Thanks for these, Skip! Obviously, I couldn't post at least the first one to the Christian groups, sometimes FoodHerbHealth becomes a 'dumping ground' for the more worthy sorta worldly ones! -"Cheyenne Cin"-

 

Think you're having a bad day...

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to The X, 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne IN, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started toitch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut. So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

 

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Subject: New Edition of "You know you're a redneck (male) when..."

 
 
Here is the brand new edition of
"You Know You're a Redneck When..."
 
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
 
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly
swatter.
 
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
 
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
 
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
 
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
 
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
 
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
 
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. ( I LOVED this
one!)
 
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
 
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
 
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
 
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
 
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
 
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
 
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
 
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
 
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
 
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
 
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
 
21. You consider your license plate personalized, because your father
made it.
 
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
 
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool
Whip" on the side.
 
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
 
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
 
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
 
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of
improvements.
 
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
 
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
 
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. 

 
Skip Wigmore
Light of Life Ministries
Smithfield, NC
lolministries@...
Rev. 18:4

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