My fellow Identity-Americans.

As your future president I want to thank my supporters, for their…well, support.

Your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastoral relations with Louis Farrakhan, Libyan dictator Moamar Qaddafi, and my blatantly leftist voting record, allows me to present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.

Moreover, I thank my supporters for allowing my claim of youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush’s youthful drinking disqualified him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posturing.

Additionally, I wish to thank the Kennedys for coming out in support of me. There’s a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War and was a known repeat adulterer, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King Jr. and Teddy killed a teenage girl. Forget the cousins, I’m not going anywhere near that crew, both literally and figuratively.

Oprah Winfrey thank you for your support. Imagine how International heads of state will deal with the ceaseless stream of inanities. Oprah's and your love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.

Ignore my lack of experience or achievement. Americans should vote for me solely because I make people feel good. Voting for me purges white folks of their imagined, racist guilt. Of course, no white woman has ever been president of the United States, which goes to show that we males of all races are preferred over all women, since Hillary and I both have basically the same political rheteric, but she has much more experience. Of course, nobody admits to sexism, which looks real good for me. Thank you, too, for fainting and swooning in my very presence. After all, that's really what it's all about.

I say things that sound meaningful, but don’t really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think about them.
Americans are tired of thinking. This is why I am running for president.

When you are at the poling place, shut down the brain, and open up the heart. Remember when you go to vote in the primaries and then when I am president, don’t think, just do. And do it for me. Ask not what your country or your president can do for you, but ask what you can do for me and the new world order, whom we may now all be able to serve together.

Oh, and to you republicans who believe you want a conservative for president, you don't have one to elect, at least not one you're going to get. Which also works well for me, so you might as well stay home. Have a nice day, and I would say God Bless, just to fool you Christians, but instead will simply say Thank You, even to you white folk which I really don't care for. But I guess you will find that out, especially since I will be in office as you baby boomers, especially you white women, hit the age of needing social security and medicare. Good luck to you. haha

--Barack Obama