Donna, there's never any need to apologise for the length of a message you post here, whether you feel it 'too brief' or 'too long' it's always going to be just right because you're getting your thoughts and feelings out, so post away!
What an incredible message, I felt every bit a part of what you went through just reading it, oh my goodness you were so descriptive and I recognised many of the thoughts and feelings you shared with us.
I am so truly sorry that you've had to endure a D&C and then the reoccuring problems that have followed, I can only try to imagine just how difficult and traumatic the whole ordeal has been for you over these months. I can truly relate to just how clinical the experience in hospital can be, I felt as though the birth of ~Ben~ and Nara was terribly clinical, it at times felt like nobody knew quite what to say to me as I was awaiting their birth so nobody said much at all. I dreaded walking into hospital for a planned c-sect, and was praying that I'd go into labour to avoid making that awful walk in. When it all happened I was kind of relieved, but still horrified that when I walked out I'd be without one of my precious babies.
Anyway, my heart goes out to you as you deal with the emotions surrounding the birth and passing of your dear little baby.
I'm in a mad rush (as always these days) and will just quickly touch on having a baby after losing a child to anen. I am nearly 22 months down the track since losing ~Ben~ and have had a rainbow baby 12 weeks ago, he is such a blessing. I had such high hopes for falling pregnant again quickly, it took 8 or so months but that worked out well. I took fabulously large amounts of folate and preg/breast feeding formula vitamins preconception and it worked a treat, he's a healthy perfect baby who I thank god for daily. I do know that there are women who have gone on to have subsequent anen babies which is very tragic, but I don't think the risks of it are as great as they probably seem. Some people have gone for genetic testing afterwards, I did not but probably should've. My family, it seems, has a bit of a habit of producing babies with NTD's.
Well I've just had 2 beautiful girls walk in wanting to use the computer (done up to the 9's with make-up, my 9 year old and her friend) so I must dash and let them have their turn.
Sending you welcoming hugs once again, chat up a storm!
From: teagan2901 <teagan2901@...>
To: as_ap@...
Sent: Friday, 4 April, 2008 4:36:29 PM
Subject: [as_ap] Introduction and Hello (sorry this is really long)
Hi, just wanted to introduce myself and say hello to everyone.
Late January at my 12 week scan, the radiologist told my husband and
I that our baby had Acrania and that this was a pre-cursor of
Anencephaly and "thus a lethal abnormality incompatible with
survival".
This is the first time we have encountered this term and it took us a
few days to comprehend what it meant.
Initially, I was told I would be induced and have to give birth, but
because of my blood pressure, it was decided that despite being on
the cuff of a 13 week pregnancy, it would be safer if I underwent a
D&C operation.
To add to our despair, it was Australia Day and the hospital was
unable to book me in for another four days until the long weekend was
over so we had to spend the next few days unable to do anything (I
kept thinking it would have been great just to take a pill and make
everything better but that wasn't the case).
It was a difficult time, being and feeling pregnant but knowing that
we would have to terminate the growing life inside me as soon as the
hospital were ready for us.
We almost wished that the baby had miscarried so that the decision
was out of our hands. We really struggled with the fact that we had
to make the choice to terminate. Even though we knew (because the
doctors had made it so clear) that our baby didn't have a future in
this world and it was the right thing to do for all concerned, but it
was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do.
The hospital staff were great but my husband and I lost it just
before they wheeled us into theatre. It just felt too clinical
(which, to be fair, for the hospital, it was just a procedure) but
for us, it was the day that our baby was born and died.
We didn't get to have a funeral and if it wasn't for the hospital
chaplain giving us some time to feel as though we had some sort of
service, I think it would have been even harder again.
Since that time, I have been back to the hospital A & E three times
with complications (infection and haemorrhaging). I have had three
ultrasounds in the past 2 months but I have developed a huge fear of
ultrasounds, and can no longer look at the monitor screen without
seeing my 12 week ultrasound with what looked like a normal baby with
a heartbeat, arms and legs moving and baby sucking its thumb, but a
unmistakably deformed head.
Seven weeks after the operation, (after a day trip to the A&E Dept
due to some heavy bleeding), the hospital phoned us at 9.30 pm to
tell us that my blood tests showed I was pregnant. We thought this
was a bad joke, since we were restricted from actual intercourse
until I had been given a clear bill of health. Obviously my body
hadn't yet realised that my baby was no longer inside of me.
So, now I'm feeling much better physically, but mentally still
dealing with the grief of knowing that we would have been 6 months
pregnant this month. My husband and I would like to think that in
time we might be able to try again but at this stage, its still too
early to go there .
Occationally we still have our `pity' moments and think `why us?' but
mostly, we've come to terms with what has happened. I used to get
angry when people said to me `ah well, it just wasn't meant to be'.
Thats not what we thought, we definitely thought it was meant to
be. And we wanted it so much, but I understand what they're trying
to say and I appreciate the underlying meaning and kindness.
I'm really interested in knowing from other women who have been
through what we have been through, how they got on, especially with
regard to subsequent pregnancies. I know theres no guarantees that
what happens for someone else will happen for us, but it would be
reassuring to hear some positive outcomes.
Thanks for the opportunity to share my story and I look forward to
getting to know the other members and hearing their stories too.
Kind regards, Donna
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