It's been a while since I've written, sorry gang I have been dealing
with my 'tough month'.

~Ben~ and Nara turned 2 this month, I simply can't believe it to be
truthful. How can my girl be 2? How can I have been without my Ben
all this time? How in god's name have I coped carrying the grief of
losing my son for 2 years?

I'm pleased to report that Nara had a wonderful birthday, although
unwell with tonsillitis she was thrilled to turn 2. I was a bit
tired and emotional the day before and the day after their birthday
but on the day itself we kept it all about the joy of their birth.
I didn't want to dwell on Ben's death that day, it just doesn't seem
right to me when their lives should be celebrated......hope that
made sense.

Anyway, we had a party the day before for Nara, a joint one with her
best friend. Then on the sunday we went out to the cemetary and had
a picnic and lots of fun.....followed by dinner and cake at my
parents that night.

One thing I found helped me deal with the lead up and birthday/angel
day/funeral day was that I had photos on my laptop flicking up all
the time on slideshow, so I was looking at Ben constantly and it
felt great.

Time does teach you ways to deal with the sadness, that was proven
to me this year, but it sure as heck doesn't take away the pain, the
hurt and the emptiness. I was wrapping Ben's present, a frog to
take to his grave and got so upset because I should've been wrapping
so much more, Tonka trucks and stuff....grrrrrrrrrrrr. I stayed up
alone on the eve of their birthday and saw midnight in crying, just
to get my emotions out of the way, it helped a great deal, I didn't
want anyone to see me cry on their birthday this year.

So, there you have it, my twins are 2, one is here, one is in
heaven, but they're 2 nonetheless!

Lea xxxxxx