Thanks Lea - I know. I'm just a bit irrational at the moment.
Maybe it helps to write about how I'm feeling. Here goes...

How I'm feeling (2/12/08)

Still fighting back anger. Had an urgent appointment with my GP
yesterday, but after 3 phone calls and messages, still haven't heard
back from the psychologist.
Missing having friends to talk to. One friend on holidays for 2
weeks, just when another friend tells us they are moving away in a
month. This friend promised us a call on the weekend but failed
AGAIN. Am so angry with her for who knows what…having a perfect life
I think! Her daughter is the baby who is 10 days younger than Matthew
would have been. She blames everything on sleep deprivation and still
doesn't get depressed. I feel like a failure and refuse to tell her
how I am, because I feel such a direct "postpartum" comparison to
her, without the baby part to complicate my life.
Friend at work having a baby shower tonight. Have decided not to go.
It's a work one, so I think because I am on sick leave from work, I
can get away with skipping it. But it's had to be a conscious
decision that it would probably be unhelpful with how I'm feeling at
the moment. I don't want to cause a scene. But, she is also having
a "friends" one on Sunday (no presents, just lunch thankfully). Plan
to go to that, but have no idea how it will make me feel.
Was doing so well a few weeks ago, why now? I'd gladly go back to the
day of Matthew's funeral. That was a good day. Visiting his grave
every week and getting together new flowers is all I can do for him
now. I don't think anyone else understands the depth of what that
means.
If I had to go back to work this week, I wouldn't be going back. But
only 7 weeks to go before I should be back into it. I DON'T CARE
ABOUT WORK.

Last week's thoughts were so much nicer. Here they are so you don't
have to finish on today's rant.


26/11/08

Lots of people have been asking me lately how I am doing. It is a
very hard question to answer so I'm going to attempt to write
something coherent to pass on to those who have asked.
I've had a tough couple of days. I'm very tired and haven't been
sleeping well the last few nights. Today Anabelle is sick, so I was
unable to take her to daycare. Thankfully she is sleeping well (right
now) and I also had a 2 hour sleep. The last few days I'm feeling
confused, anxious, scatterbrained and tired. Through re-watching some
of our videos of Matthew's life and funeral, I realised last week how
enormous a "thing" I have been through. I tend to feel like I SHOULD
be able to get up and get on with normal life – after all, I'm quite
a capable person surely. I am learning (slowly) about how big grief
is. How many sadnesses there are associated with Matthew's short life
and how many things I still have to come to terms with.
If you are into praying, you could pray for time to reflect, patience
with others around me and their inability to understand, the ability
to cry, and perseverance to continue thinking about the "big picture"
of life.
I miss Matthew. I miss being pregnant. I am sad that our journey
together has come to an end and I cannot hold him again. I miss being
able to "do" things for him. I want to look after him. So, I direct
my nurturing to providing fresh flowers for his grave each Monday.
It's not much, but something…
I feel like I can't move on with life yet. I feel frustration that
everyone else's life seems to move on and mine is wanting to keep
taking in the experience of Matthew.
I want to remember Matthew and I want others to do so too. I like it
when people talk about him or ask how I'm doing (so thank you!),
because it takes away some of the isolation of grief.
I am thankful today for the ways that God has provided for me – in
sending a friend here who I could talk to, sending someone with some
hand me down clothes for Anabelle, a good sleep and a card letting me
know that someone was thinking of me.




--- In as_ap@..., "Lea" <leannec72@...> wrote:
>
> Vanessa, I urge you not to wait for someone to show up as being
> around to speak here.
>
> You'll find that many of us are lurking about, lord knows that my
> computer is never far away from me....and I am nearly always
> contactable by phone.....holler!!!
>
> Please feel free to add me to yahoo messenger or msn messenger as
> it's a great way to keep in touch.
>
> Would you like to talk about how you're feeling hon?
>
> --- In as_ap@..., "Vanessa Murphy"
> <chrisandvanessamurphy@> wrote:
> >
> >
> > Hi Everyone,
> > Nice to hear from you again. It had been so quiet for such a long
> > time. I check the group several times a day hoping someone's out
> > there...
> > The last week has been hard. I seem to be on the losing end of
> > everything in life at the moment.
> > Vanessa
> >
> > --- In as_ap@..., "pettinabeves" <pettinabeves@>
> > wrote:
> > >
> > > Hi
> > >
> > > We are doing well here. Nathaniel is growing and is soo cute.
> Not
> > > very settled during the day tho which makes things hard. Bella
> is
> > > being a wonderful big sister and the last few days i have
really
> > > felt Mercy Grace not being here. We had santa photos and i
> noticed
> > > her missing.
> > >
> > > Thiings are obviously busy at the moment for us and there is
not
> > > much me time but that is one of the pleasures of being a mum.
> > >
> > > Liz, i have been thinking of you often and hope things get
> better.
> > >
> > > Vanessa, I cant believe it is almost christmas ( your first
> without
> > > Matthew) I will be praying for you this year and hope you are
> all
> > > doing ok.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > --- In as_ap@..., "Jenny" <jenzi83@> wrote:
> > > >
> > > > Hello all,
> > > >
> > > > Things have been pretty busy up my end. Wild weather, babies
> > > being
> > > > born. All has kept me busy. We were'nt hit by the storm
very
> > > badly
> > > > at all but my heart goes out to all that were. One of the
> > > neighbours
> > > > trees crashed over our fence and into our yard but our yard
is
> > > large
> > > > and very bare so we were lucky it did'nt hit anything.
> > > Treeloppers
> > > > and insurance companies have been kept very busy so who knows
> > when
> > > > the landlords will be able to get it removed.
> > > >
> > > > My good friend Lisa gave birth to her son Will just over 4
> weeks
> > > ago
> > > > and she came to visit on Thursday, and I got to hold him
> (first
> > > baby
> > > > I've held since Isabell). Absolutely adorable. My other
good
> > > friend
> > > > Simone gave birth to her daughter Ella on Monday and we went
> to
> > > see
> > > > them today. She is just gorgoeus. Can't wait for my turn,
> still
> > > has
> > > > not worked out but won't be giving up anytime soon.
> > > >
> > > > Liz, hope your blood pressure settles down. Troy was born 2
> > weeks
> > > > early and the day of his birth I had actually gone to Garden
> City
> > > > (very big shopping complex) to buy toys at Toys R Us. As we
> had
> > > > parked on the wrong side we had to walk from one side to the
> > other
> > > > and back again (I had refused to be driven). I'm positive
> that
> > is
> > > > why I went into labour early! Might work for you too if your
> > > blood
> > > > pressure comes down.
> > > >
> > > > Lea, I know hard it is to decide whether to go back to work
> or
> > > not.
> > > > I went back to work for one month when my maternity leave had
> > > ended
> > > > with Troy. Once away from Troy, I realised I could'nt be
away
> > > from
> > > > him for hours on end every day. I love being a vet nurse but
> I
> > > love
> > > > Troy way more. We do have to live on only one wage but its a
> > > > sacrifice we were both willing to make. I guess once you go
> back
> > > to
> > > > work, you'll know whether you want to stay or not.
> > > >
> > > > Anyways, better stop before this turns into a novel. Hope
> > > everyone
> > > > is keeping well.
> > > > Jenny
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > --- In as_ap@..., "Lea" <leannec72@> wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > > Hello there my dear friends
> > > > >
> > > > > Just thought I'd check in on how you're all doing...you've
> all
> > > been
> > > > > very quiet.
> > > > >
> > > > > My life has been a bit hectic of late, no idea why or what
> > we've
> > > > been
> > > > > up to but it's just crazy.
> > > > >
> > > > > Like Liz mentioned in her message, my children have all
been
> a
> > > bit
> > > > > feral too. Lots of rain and that trapped feeling have had
> them
> > > > > climbing the walls. Arden is cutting teeth which is making
> him
> > > > > bonkers and we're not getting much sleep....ahh it's all
> good
> > > fun.
> > > > >
> > > > > I've been facing my return to work next month which, thank
> god,
> > > I
> > > > have
> > > > > put off until Feb next year (after Arden's 1st birthday).
I
> am
> > > > really
> > > > > having trouble considering leaving my kids to go back to
> work,
> > > but
> > > > > worse than that, my office is one of those places where
> people
> > > just
> > > > > drag you down and make you miserable. I am really not
> prepared
> > > for
> > > > > that emotionally and worry about how I'll react. I love my
> > > work, I
> > > > > really do, but being in a negative environment always got
me
> > > down,
> > > > > with my bullsh!t-o-meter working overtime since my anen
> > > pregnancy I
> > > > > can't see myself putting up with it long....yikes.
> > > > >
> > > > > Anyhooooo, I look forward to hearing from you all.
> > > > >
> > > > > Big hugs
> > > > >
> > > > > Lea xxxxxx
> > > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>