---

From: Jenny <jenzi83@...>
To: as_ap@...
Sent: Tuesday, 2 December, 2008 2:46:14 PM
Subject: [as_ap] Vanessa - Re: Hi from Lea

Hi Vanessa,

My heart just breaks for you reading about everything that you are
going through.  I'd love to tell you that it gets better but it seems
to me that there a down days, extremely down days, happy days and
occasionaly very happy ones.  For me, it seems to come around in
waves. 

My father hung himself when I was 13 years old. I can tell you that I
have greived more for my daughter who I only met lifeless than he who
brought me up.  It is so much more intense for me to have lost my
child.

I found it hard to confide to my partner how I was feeling as I
wanted to be strong for both of us.  My friends automatically become
awkward if Isabell is even mentioned.  Mattys mother starts to cry at
the mere mention of her name which makes it harder for me and I don't
feel ready to open up to my mother.  This makes talking about Isabell
openly almost impossible.  No one actually knows how I feel.

That is why I come here as there is no one that I can speak to.  I
want to talk to people who have gone through the same thing we have
been through.  I have found coming here has helped a little but the
emotional battle is mine to fight and I guess I will get there
someday.  I think this is the same for all of us.

Alright, enough of my ramblings again
Take care to you all
Jenny

--- In as_ap@..., "Vanessa Murphy"
<chrisandvanessamurphy@...> wrote:
>
> Thanks Lea - I know. I'm just a bit irrational at the moment.
> Maybe it helps to write about how I'm feeling. Here goes...
>
> How I'm feeling (2/12/08)
>
> Still fighting back anger. Had an urgent appointment with my GP
> yesterday, but after 3 phone calls and messages, still haven't
heard
> back from the psychologist.
> Missing having friends to talk to. One friend on holidays for 2
> weeks, just when another friend tells us they are moving away in a
> month. This friend promised us a call on the weekend but failed
> AGAIN. Am so angry with her for who knows what…having a perfect
life
> I think! Her daughter is the baby who is 10 days younger than
Matthew
> would have been. She blames everything on sleep deprivation and
still
> doesn't get depressed. I feel like a failure and refuse to tell her
> how I am, because I feel such a direct "postpartum" comparison to
> her, without the baby part to complicate my life.
> Friend at work having a baby shower tonight. Have decided not to
go.
> It's a work one, so I think because I am on sick leave from work, I
> can get away with skipping it. But it's had to be a conscious
> decision that it would probably be unhelpful with how I'm feeling
at
> the moment. I don't want to cause a scene. But, she is also having
> a "friends" one on Sunday (no presents, just lunch thankfully).
Plan
> to go to that, but have no idea how it will make me feel.
> Was doing so well a few weeks ago, why now? I'd gladly go back to
the
> day of Matthew's funeral. That was a good day. Visiting his grave
> every week and getting together new flowers is all I can do for him
> now. I don't think anyone else understands the depth of what that
> means.
> If I had to go back to work this week, I wouldn't be going back.
But
> only 7 weeks to go before I should be back into it. I DON'T CARE
> ABOUT WORK.
>
> Last week's thoughts were so much nicer. Here they are so you don't
> have to finish on today's rant.
>
>
> 26/11/08
>
> Lots of people have been asking me lately how I am doing. It is a
> very hard question to answer so I'm going to attempt to write
> something coherent to pass on to those who have asked.
> I've had a tough couple of days. I'm very tired and haven't been
> sleeping well the last few nights. Today Anabelle is sick, so I was
> unable to take her to daycare. Thankfully she is sleeping well
(right
> now) and I also had a 2 hour sleep. The last few days I'm feeling
> confused, anxious, scatterbrained and tired. Through re-watching
some
> of our videos of Matthew's life and funeral, I realised last week
how
> enormous a "thing" I have been through. I tend to feel like I
SHOULD
> be able to get up and get on with normal life – after all, I'm
quite
> a capable person surely. I am learning (slowly) about how big grief
> is. How many sadnesses there are associated with Matthew's short
life
> and how many things I still have to come to terms with.
> If you are into praying, you could pray for time to reflect,
patience
> with others around me and their inability to understand, the
ability
> to cry, and perseverance to continue thinking about the "big
picture"
> of life.
> I miss Matthew. I miss being pregnant. I am sad that our journey
> together has come to an end and I cannot hold him again. I miss
being
> able to "do" things for him. I want to look after him. So, I direct
> my nurturing to providing fresh flowers for his grave each Monday.
> It's not much, but something…
> I feel like I can't move on with life yet. I feel frustration that
> everyone else's life seems to move on and mine is wanting to keep
> taking in the experience of Matthew.
> I want to remember Matthew and I want others to do so too. I like
it
> when people talk about him or ask how I'm doing (so thank you!),
> because it takes away some of the isolation of grief.
> I am thankful today for the ways that God has provided for me – in
> sending a friend here who I could talk to, sending someone with
some
> hand me down clothes for Anabelle, a good sleep and a card letting
me
> know that someone was thinking of me.
>
>
>
>
> --- In as_ap@..., "Lea" <leannec72@> wrote:
> >
> > Vanessa, I urge you not to wait for someone to show up as being
> > around to speak here.
> >
> > You'll find that many of us are lurking about, lord knows that my
> > computer is never far away from me....and I am nearly always
> > contactable by phone.....holler!!!
> >
> > Please feel free to add me to yahoo messenger or msn messenger as
> > it's a great way to keep in touch.
> >
> > Would you like to talk about how you're feeling hon?
> >
> > --- In as_ap@..., "Vanessa Murphy"
> > <chrisandvanessamurphy@> wrote:
> > >
> > >
> > > Hi Everyone,
> > > Nice to hear from you again. It had been so quiet for such a
long
> > > time. I check the group several times a day hoping someone's
out
> > > there...
> > > The last week has been hard. I seem to be on the losing end of
> > > everything in life at the moment.
> > > Vanessa
> > >
> > > --- In as_ap@..., "pettinabeves" <pettinabeves@>
> > > wrote:
> > > >
> > > > Hi
> > > >
> > > > We are doing well here. Nathaniel is growing and is soo cute.
> > Not
> > > > very settled during the day tho which makes things hard.
Bella
> > is
> > > > being a wonderful big sister and the last few days i have
> really
> > > > felt Mercy Grace not being here. We had santa photos and i
> > noticed
> > > > her missing.
> > > >
> > > > Thiings are obviously busy at the moment for us and there is
> not
> > > > much me time but that is one of the pleasures of being a mum.
> > > >
> > > > Liz, i have been thinking of you often and hope things get
> > better.
> > > >
> > > > Vanessa, I cant believe it is almost christmas ( your first
> > without
> > > > Matthew) I will be praying for you this year and hope you are
> > all
> > > > doing ok.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > --- In as_ap@..., "Jenny" <jenzi83@> wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > > Hello all,
> > > > >
> > > > > Things have been pretty busy up my end.  Wild weather,
babies
> > > > being
> > > > > born.  All has kept me busy.  We were'nt hit by the storm
> very
> > > > badly
> > > > > at all but my heart goes out to all that were.  One of the
> > > > neighbours
> > > > > trees crashed over our fence and into our yard but our yard
> is
> > > > large
> > > > > and very bare so we were lucky it did'nt hit anything. 
> > > > Treeloppers
> > > > > and insurance companies have been kept very busy so who
knows
> > > when
> > > > > the landlords will be able to get it removed.
> > > > >
> > > > > My good friend Lisa gave birth to her son Will just over 4
> > weeks
> > > > ago
> > > > > and she came to visit on Thursday, and I got to hold him
> > (first
> > > > baby
> > > > > I've held since Isabell).  Absolutely adorable.  My other
> good
> > > > friend
> > > > > Simone gave birth to her daughter Ella on Monday and we
went
> > to
> > > > see
> > > > > them today.  She is just gorgoeus.  Can't wait for my turn,
> > still
> > > > has
> > > > > not worked out but won't be giving up anytime soon.
> > > > >
> > > > > Liz, hope your blood pressure settles down.  Troy was born
2
> > > weeks
> > > > > early and the day of his birth I had actually gone to
Garden
> > City
> > > > > (very big shopping complex) to buy toys at Toys R Us.  As
we
> > had
> > > > > parked on the wrong side we had to walk from one side to
the
> > > other
> > > > > and back again (I had refused to be driven).  I'm positive
> > that
> > > is
> > > > > why I went into labour early!  Might work for you too if
your
> > > > blood
> > > > > pressure comes down.
> > > > >
> > > > > Lea,  I know hard it is to decide whether to go back to
work
> > or
> > > > not. 
> > > > > I went back to work for one month when my maternity leave
had
> > > > ended
> > > > > with Troy.  Once away from Troy, I realised I could'nt be
> away
> > > > from
> > > > > him for hours on end every day.  I love being a vet nurse
but
> > I
> > > > love
> > > > > Troy way more.  We do have to live on only one wage but its
a
> > > > > sacrifice we were both willing to make.  I guess once you
go
> > back
> > > > to
> > > > > work, you'll know whether you want to stay or not.
> > > > >
> > > > > Anyways, better stop before this turns into a novel.  Hope
> > > > everyone
> > > > > is keeping well.
> > > > > Jenny
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > --- In as_ap@..., "Lea" <leannec72@> wrote:
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Hello there my dear friends
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Just thought I'd check in on how you're all
doing...you've
> > all
> > > > been
> > > > > > very quiet.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > My life has been a bit hectic of late, no idea why or
what
> > > we've
> > > > > been
> > > > > > up to but it's just crazy.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Like Liz mentioned in her message, my children have all
> been
> > a
> > > > bit
> > > > > > feral too.  Lots of rain and that trapped feeling have
had
> > them
> > > > > > climbing the walls.  Arden is cutting teeth which is
making
> > him
> > > > > > bonkers and we're not getting much sleep....ahh it's all
> > good
> > > > fun.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > I've been facing my return to work next month which,
thank
> > god,
> > > > I
> > > > > have
> > > > > > put off until Feb next year (after Arden's 1st
birthday). 
> I
> > am
> > > > > really
> > > > > > having trouble considering leaving my kids to go back to
> > work,
> > > > but
> > > > > > worse than that, my office is one of those places where
> > people
> > > > just
> > > > > > drag you down and make you miserable.  I am really not
> > prepared
> > > > for
> > > > > > that emotionally and worry about how I'll react.  I love
my
> > > > work, I
> > > > > > really do, but being in a negative environment always got
> me
> > > > down,
> > > > > > with my bullsh!t-o-meter working overtime since my anen
> > > > pregnancy I
> > > > > > can't see myself putting up with it long....yikes.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Anyhooooo, I look forward to hearing from you all.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Big hugs
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Lea xxxxxx
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>



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