Girls

they are some beautiful messages.
I sit here and wonder how i will write as the tears pour down my
face.
I realised this christmas how much last year was just a blur and my
heart ached for my treasured girl. I like you both shed tears of
sadness and dissapointment yesterday. As i sat and watched Isabella
play joyfully with her toys and craddled my baby boy i felt the gap,
the place where my angel should be. I could picture her with my
other 2 children and realised life will never be the same, somehow
whenever there is joy there will always be a sadness for the life i
do not get to see blossom.

I do however hold onto the fact that Mercy Grace is resting in Jesus
arms and is safe with her heavenly father and i try hard to embrace
the "New Normal" that the life of our beautiful girl has necaptured
us in.

--- In as_ap@..., "Vanessa Murphy"
<chrisandvanessamurphy@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Lea,
> Thanks so much for sharing all that you did. It was beautiful to
> read. Someone I met on another support site sent this beautiful
> prayer, which I will copy onto the bottom of this message. We
decided
> to read it on Christmas morning as we sat next to Matthew's grave.
It
> really helped us to remember Matthew in a meaningful way this
> Christmas. We went there at about 9am. I was amazed at how many
> people were down at the cemetery. I go at least once a week, so
I'm
> used to only rarely seeing people there. It's not something I've
ever
> considered before, but so many people miss their loved ones, don't
> they? Anabelle sprinkled my current collection of rose petals on
the
> grave and said "Look Mummy, there's no wind!" (Last time they all
> blew away!) My husband had bought a present for Matthew, so we sat
> and Anabelle opened it. I hadn't seen it yet - It was just a baby
toy
> suitable for a 3 month old (some colourful keys), but he had had
an
> engraving put on it "To Matthew, Love Daddy. Christmas 2008". I
was
> in tears, it was a beautiful thing for him to do. Then we read the
> prayer. We also hung a Christmas angel I found among our
decorations
> and some ribbons on his "Christmas tree" (A big pot of native
flowers
> I bought for his 3 months anniversary on the 15th). I might post
> another pic for you.
> Thinking of everyone during this hard time.
> Love Vanessa
>
> We cannot care for you the way we wanted,
> or cradle you or listen for your cry;
> but seperated as we are by silence,
> love will not die.
>
> We cannot watch you grow to childhood
> and find a new uniqueness every day,
> but special as you would have been among us,
> you will stay.
>
> We cannot know the pain or the potential
> which passing years would summon or reveal;
> but for that true fulfilment Jesus promised
> we hope and feel.
>
> So through the mess of anger, grief and tiredness,
> through tensions which are not yet reconciled,
> we give to God the worship of our sorrow
> and our dear child.
>
> Lord, in your arms which cradle all creation
> we rest and place our baby beyond death,
> believing that he now, alive in heaven,
> breathes with your breath.
>
>
>
>
> --- In as_ap@..., Lea Coleman <leannec72@> wrote:
> >
> > Vanessa, that is a beautiful Christmas message, I too have had
> a hard time thinking about my own son Ben this Christmas, and
I
> have been thinking of all my friends here on this day.
> >
> > We visit with Ben on Christmas morning each year, good lord,
this
> is our 3rd Christmas since he passed away!   I had been very
> together about things this year, until the moment we were to
leave
> the cemetary, and the tears came, they snuck up on me, and I
leaned
> into my husband's chest and waited for the safety of his hug.  I
> cried, and I cried, I apologised but explained I had to cry, and
> cried some more.
> >
> > It isn't fair that we are without our son's and daughters on
any
> day, but on this most holy and special day it is probably the
> hardest.  We should be buying and wrapping presents for happy
> little people,not, as in my case, buying the memory candle or a
new
> ornament for a little boy who will never open his christmas
stocking
> and squeal with delight over the reindeer eating the carrots.
> >
> > For those who believe in such things, I will tell the tale of
> Ben's visit to us on christmas eve, in the hope it will give hope
as
> it did to us.
> >
> > We have a special toy, it's no different to any other really but
> it's special because i asked Ben to use it as his vehicle to
getting
> my attention and for the second time, last night, this is what he
did.
> >
> > As we sat admiring our (trainwreck of a) christmas tree, Nara
> suddendly darted towards the window seat where the tree is
standing,
> as she neared the seat the familiar tune of this toy started. 
Not
> unsual but for the fact that for many long months this toy has
> had flat batteries or similiar and hasn't made a sound even
when we
> tried to make it.  I am sure Nara sensed something, she didn't
get
> near enough to touch the toy, but her interest in that spot near
the
> tree was intense and sudden...........we all recognised it as a
sign
> that Ben, too, thought our tree was just great and approved of his
> new ornament (a frog ornament each year in his honour).  Later
> that night as we drove about looking at the christmas lights, we
saw
> a giant green frog on the road....yes, he was very near.
> >
> > Driving out to the cemetary this morning Nara
asked "where's Ben
> mummy?".  I replied "he's in the place as always".....she
said "in
> heaven mummy!" and I said "yes, and right here in our
> hearts".....she nodded and smiled.
> >
> > I tried so hard to remember those special signs today as I
drove
> away from where my son's resting place is.......to remember that
he
> is ALWAYS closer than it seems, but I am so thankful for that toy
> playing it's tune for us last night....it's the best christmas
> present I've ever had.
> >
> > Bless you all on this holy night, and take care of your heads
and
> your hearts as you work through the mixed emotions of the holiday
> season.
> >
> > Lea xxxxxx
> >  
> > Lea xxxxxx
> > Mum to Sage, Nara, angel baby ~Ben~ and rainbow baby Arden
> > Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the
o'er-
> fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ________________________________
> > From: Vanessa Murphy <chrisandvanessamurphy@>
> > To: as_ap@...
> > Sent: Wednesday, 24 December, 2008 8:15:21 PM
> > Subject: [as_ap] Christmas
> >
> > Hi everyone, I want to wish you all a Happy Christmas, and thank
> you
> > for your invaluable support over this year. Be gentle with
> > yourselves, and I hope you can spend some precious time with
your
> > families. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts about
> Christmas
> > below.
> > Love Vanessa
> >
> > 24th December, 2008
> >
> > Everyone has been warning me that our first Christmas without
> Matthew
> > would be hard. To be honest, I hadn't thought about it that way
> > myself until tonight. We were only just pregnant with Matthew
last
> > Christmas, and didn't know it, so in a way, we've never had
> Christmas
> > with Matthew anyway. But at church tonight, I couldn't help but
get
> > teary. The Christmas story after all is all about God becoming
one
> of
> > us, as a baby boy. The references to pregnant Mary, baby boys,
even
> > children in God's care ("Away in a Manger") came thick and fast
and
> I
> > could not avoid thinking about my boy. I even saw one of the
nurses
> > from my post-Matthew hospital stay at the service. The first
song
> we
> > sung referred to Mary being "anxious for her unborn child". I
> > couldn't help think what would she have to be anxious about? An
> angel
> > of God had given her the message that her baby was to be God's
own
> > son, and she was not to be afraid. God would not allow anything
to
> > prevent Jesus' birth, it was his plan all along, and Mary must
have
> > trusted God on this. I have always thought of Jesus as an adult,
as
> > the saviour God, and despite teaching Anabelle for the last few
> weeks
> > about the baby Jesus born at Christmas, I did not feel any sad
> > connection with Matthew until now. Unfortunately in some ways,
> every
> > Christmas hymn seems to stir up images of the "mother and
child",
> and
> > people like the shepherds and wise men visiting the baby. "Away
in
> a
> > Manger" was very hard to sing. "The little Lord Jesus lay down
his
> > sweet head", "Little Lord Jesus no crying he makes" (well I'm
sure
> he
> > did, but my Matthew didn't), "Bless all the dear children in
your
> > tender care, and fit us for heaven to live with you there". Well
> that
> > might as well have been written about Matthew! Bless my boy, in
> > heaven, in God's tender care. 
> > Thank you Lord for becoming a baby, being born in a stable in
> > Bethlehem, so that we could know God and one day go to live with
> you
> > forever.
> >
> >
> >
> > ------------------------------------
> >
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