Vanessa, this is beautiful news, I am so glad that you have found a change in how you're feeling and that this pregnancy is a welcome one at this time *hugs*.
Having a rainbow baby is an emotional ride from start to finish, the deciding to fall pregnant again is often tough, for many getting pregnant again is tough, and then the emotions hit along with the hormones when you do fall.....ahhh it's not so long ago that it happened for me so it's fresh as a daisy.
I had my scan with Arden at about 6 weeks, I couldn't wait a moment longer, I knew by then they could give me a strong indication on how things looked, we saw a heartbeat, and a tiny wee head that looked like it should and I was so relieved. I had warned the sonography place about my history and they were so kind to me, understanding why I was in tears before we even started etc.
For me I had the added stress of wondering if it was going to be twins again. Did I want twins again, what if it was twins again, what if it wasn't!!!! And then they saw what they thought was a second heartbeat and my heart was in my throat.....gave me an internal scan and it was just an echo, the rest is history and we have our beautiful rainbow baby Arden in our arms and a year old!
I was full of fear the whole way through my pregnancy, I lost the plot when the doctor sent me to the fetal medicine unit for the morphology scan (just to be sure everything was 100%) and bawled my eyes out. Some of the tests that they did (blood etc) made them check extra closely for chromosomal abnormalities, which had me going off my tree too....but I kept being reminded that it was age and history that pushed the numbers up.
I had been under 35 with the twins and Sage so never had the extra concern, now all of a sudden I was 35 and had a history of NTD birth......just be prepared for that little scare.
Every niggle was met with great concern by me, I visited the hospital a few times thinking something was wrong, they were so understanding and reassuring. They understood my fear for the baby I was carrying, and the hopes that we had riding on everything being ok. Bouncing back for the pregnancy early meant I was also concerned about my previous C-section scar and the like too, so that added to my nervousness.
All in all though, my experience of having a rainbow baby was good because I always found someone to talk to and get reassurance from about my fears.....I can't encourage you enough to keep talking to us about how you feel, good bad or indifferent.
As for the closeness in dates, I can totally understand why you'd be a bit anxious about that, I dearly hope that you do have different birthdates for your beloved Matthew and his rainbow sibling as I know how tough sharing a date can be having lost Ben on his birthday and having to celebrate Nara's birthday that day too...confusing stuff.
Sending caring pats to that tummy of yours. I will pray for good news for you at your first scan, sending my love too.
Lea xxxxxx
Mum to Sage, Nara, angel baby ~Ben~ and rainbow baby Arden
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare
From: Vanessa Murphy <chrisandvanessamurphy@...>
To: as_ap@...
Sent: Tuesday, 3 February, 2009 8:40:33 PM
Subject: [as_ap] Some news and a question
Hi everyone,
It's been ages since I posted. It's just gone 20 weeks since Matthew
was born and died. It's amazing to me that that is half the time he
was inside me. It's gone so quickly. The 3 month mark was
particularly important for me, as it happened to also fall on a
Monday. Since then we've had Christmas, the 4 months, and more
Mondays. I miss him, and I feel like I "feel" his loss even more now.
Part of the reason for that may be that I am pregnant, and that makes
you emotional anyway, and I am pregnant, so I see now even more
acutely just what I have lost in losing Matthew. It happens to be
exactly one year between pregnancies. One year since I was feeling
queasy and tired and wondering whether Matthew was a boy or girl. One
year since I was innocently looking forward to that 12 week scan
which changed our lives. This baby (known as "D3" in our family – we
nicknamed Anabelle "Dubbie", so Matthew was "D2" before he was
Matthew, so this is "D3") is due on 9/9/09 (Matthew was due 11/9/08).
We found out on 5th January, the first Monday that I missed going to
Matthew's grave because we were holidaying in Coffs Harbour. We are
excited and very thankful for the speed at which this has happened,
but it will never take away from the loss of our boy, as I know you
would all understand. For the first 2-3 months after Matthew's death,
I knew that I was not ready to have another baby, so we were actively
avoiding falling pregnant. At around the 12 week mark, something
really changed in me. I had just been through the lowest of the all
the lows I've had to date, and came out the other side feeling really
different – optimistic about life, feeling like I could go back to
work one day, I could have another baby one day, I could take photos
of my daughter and our family and that was OK. So Chris and I decided
just to stop avoiding pregnancy and see what happened. We didn't
actively plan it (in fact I would NEVER have planned it for this time
of year and I still feel a bit nervous that this baby could be born
on Matthew's birthday), but that made it so much better in my mind.
It was in God's hands, and this was his timing.
According to my calculations I'm 9 weeks tomorrow, but my cycles had
obviously hardly had a chance to become regular since Matthew's
birth, so I'm off for a dating scan on Thursday at 4.30 pm. I've not
had a scan at this stage before (although I did have a 6 week one
with Anabelle due to bleeding), so I'm not too sure what to expect,
but still feel concerned that a. there might be something drastically
wrong, b. that the crown rump length might be way out thus raising my
suspicions about anencephaly, and c. that i'm just going to find it
all too emotional! I cry just at the thought of going. Anyway, I know
that God is in control and that it is normal for this to feel very
emotional. I am praying that I will be calm over the next 48 hours,
that our little D3 would be safe and healthy, and that no matter the
outcome that the scan will be handled well by the sonographer. The
midwife at the antenatal clinic was going to speak to the sonographer
in person prior to the scan to discuss my history and situation, so
hopefully that will help.
I would be interested to hear of anyone's experiences with early
scans in their subsequent pregnancies and even how early anencephaly
could be ruled out (no-one has been clear on this with me yet).
Thanks for your thoughts,
Love Vanessa
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