Tomorrow it is 12 months since we found out that Matthew had
anencephaly. It feels like today is the anniversary, because today it
is Monday, and the scan was a Monday last year, and it was late in
the day when we had the scan and went to the doctor to talk things
over. On Mondays we go to Matthew's grave usually, because he was
also born and died on a Monday, and today (and often lately) I was
crying before we even got there. My life was changed that day. In a
similar way that I can't "remember" much about what life felt like
prior to being married (I've been married 10 years, since I was 21),
I can't remember what it was like "pre-Matthew" - the innocence we
must have had, the worries which were so inconsequential in
comparison to losing your baby. I have been grieving for my son for a
year. In 2 weeks we'll be remembering 6 months since he died. 6
months of grief before he even came, and 6 months afterwards. It's
surreal.
I plan to go to my Mum's garden in the morning and pick some nice
flowers (any flowers will do, as my garden isn't producing anything
much at the moment!) and take them back to the grave. For the 6
months date, I have ordered a heap of thank you cards with Matthew's
photo on them to send out. After Matthew died, there were so many
people who helped us in many ways. I've always been big on thank you
notes, but Chris convinced me at the time not to worry about them.
I'm glad I didn't. At the time I only wrote to thank those who came
to visit Matthew and I included the photo that was taken of them with
Matthew for them to keep. But now, I really feel the need to thank
the many other people whose kindness to us is not forgotten, just as
Matthew is not forgotten, even after 6 months and now being into
another pregnancy. I felt it would be an appropriate way to
acknowledge Matthew, as well as give me the chance to say thank you.
I still find the thought of that day 12 months ago quite shocking,
and so so sad. I miss my boy, I miss the fact that we didn't get more
time to know each other but am so glad for the brief time I had.
Well I think that's enough from me for tonight, I just needed to
express & acknowledge those thoughts.
Vanessa