Vanessa, everytime I read a post from you I am moved to tears. Each post says a
little something (or more) that reminds me of my own feelings about our
Ben.....I want to thank you for helping me get in touch with my own feelings
through sharing yours.

I hope that this difficult day was gentle on you, I'm sending you lots of love.

Lea

--- In as_ap@..., "Vanessa Murphy" <chrisandvanessamurphy@...>
wrote:
>
> Tomorrow it is 12 months since we found out that Matthew had
> anencephaly. It feels like today is the anniversary, because today it
> is Monday, and the scan was a Monday last year, and it was late in
> the day when we had the scan and went to the doctor to talk things
> over. On Mondays we go to Matthew's grave usually, because he was
> also born and died on a Monday, and today (and often lately) I was
> crying before we even got there. My life was changed that day. In a
> similar way that I can't "remember" much about what life felt like
> prior to being married (I've been married 10 years, since I was 21),
> I can't remember what it was like "pre-Matthew" - the innocence we
> must have had, the worries which were so inconsequential in
> comparison to losing your baby. I have been grieving for my son for a
> year. In 2 weeks we'll be remembering 6 months since he died. 6
> months of grief before he even came, and 6 months afterwards. It's
> surreal.
> I plan to go to my Mum's garden in the morning and pick some nice
> flowers (any flowers will do, as my garden isn't producing anything
> much at the moment!) and take them back to the grave. For the 6
> months date, I have ordered a heap of thank you cards with Matthew's
> photo on them to send out. After Matthew died, there were so many
> people who helped us in many ways. I've always been big on thank you
> notes, but Chris convinced me at the time not to worry about them.
> I'm glad I didn't. At the time I only wrote to thank those who came
> to visit Matthew and I included the photo that was taken of them with
> Matthew for them to keep. But now, I really feel the need to thank
> the many other people whose kindness to us is not forgotten, just as
> Matthew is not forgotten, even after 6 months and now being into
> another pregnancy. I felt it would be an appropriate way to
> acknowledge Matthew, as well as give me the chance to say thank you.
> I still find the thought of that day 12 months ago quite shocking,
> and so so sad. I miss my boy, I miss the fact that we didn't get more
> time to know each other but am so glad for the brief time I had.
> Well I think that's enough from me for tonight, I just needed to
> express & acknowledge those thoughts.
> Vanessa
>