Hi everyone,
As has become my custom, I like to write about Matthew and about my thoughts
whenever I reach a "milestone" Matthew moment. It helps me to process what's
happening, and stop to take time to focus on my grief. This was written
yesterday, but with it being a fairly hard day, I didn't get to post it here
till this morning. I hope you all don't mind me sharing my thoughts.
Love Vanessa



15/3/2009

As I awoke this morning to the half year of Matthew, I was overwhelmed, as I
have been a lot in the last few months, with the deep sadness of losing my son.
The sadness of missed memories and real milestones that are never to be reached.
6 months is probably not much of a big deal to other mothers; in fact, I could
not find a photo of my own daughter Anabelle that was taken on the day she was 6
months, but there were plenty of memories which surrounded that time. Making a
mess eating solids for the first time, rolling over and back again, playing
peek-a-boo and sitting up. Things I'll never see Matthew do.

Yesterday, with the help of my Dad, Chris finished building the "Dubbie Cubby"
(we nickname all our kids Dubbie in utero). Bought with part of the proceeds of
Matthew's money (otherwise known as the baby bonus), this is Matthew's gift to
his siblings (present and future) to enjoy. When I first found out I was
pregnant with Matthew, I got the idea to use this money to build a cubby house,
picturing Anabelle and her brother playing together happily, as I had done with
my brother. Anabelle does not yet know or understand what she is missing in not
having her brother here, but I know, and that adds to my sadness.

This morning as we read the bible in bed, Anabelle chose the story of Lazarus in
her Big Picture Story Bible. Mary and Martha had a brother called Lazarus who
died. "You had a brother who died too – Matthew", Chris said. When Jesus came,
Mary and Martha were crying and Jesus cried with them. I could imagine as we
read, Jesus alongside us, crying for Matthew also. The people in the crowd knew
what Jesus was capable of and said "Why couldn't he who healed the blind man
prevent Lazarus from dying?" I echoed their words: "Oh Lord, why did you not
stop Matthew from dying?" In my world of human emotions, 6 months on, this is
how I felt too. I wanted our powerful God to do that for us; to have prevented
our pain and crying, to not let our baby die in the first place. In the story,
Jesus had been sent for when Lazarus was still sick, as his sisters knew Jesus
had the power to heal him. Yet, in typical Jesus style, he had waited until
Lazarus had died before coming to his friends for a reason. He was going to
demonstrate his (and therefore God's) power over death. After being in the tomb
4 days, Jesus called Lazarus out, and out he walked. Although Matthew was not
miraculously healed, and although Jesus has not opened Matthew's grave and
called him back out to us, God has done something far more spectacular in
Matthew where he is in heaven. This promise is described in the bible in Isaiah
35, and for a baby like Matthew who could neither hear nor speak nor see nor
walk, the transformation he has experienced in his heavenly body is truly a
spectacular miracle.

"Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water
will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert….Those the Lord
rescued will return…Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing
will flee away". (excerpts from Is 35: 5-10).

It is a privilege to teach Anabelle about Jesus, and again I am sad about not
having the opportunity to teach Matthew and read him the bible. Yet, Matthew
knows it all (and far more than we know) already. He is in the very presence of
God, seeing with his new eyes, things that we hold on to in faith.

I have been encouraged by music much over the past months, and at the moment one
of my favourite albums is "Lifesong" by a Christian band called Casting Crowns.
There are several songs on this album which address grief in some way and the
songwriters have such a unique way of putting my feelings into such poetic
words. Here are some words from part of the song "Praise you in this storm".

"I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm"

That pretty much sums up how I feel today. I am crying, and I feel God both
holding my tears and crying with me. And through my tears I just manage to say
"I praise you Lord, use this storm of my life for your glory".