Hi Everyone,

Next week is Matthew's first birthday. Today I'm due to have another baby. As
the gap between birthdays closes in, I'm conscious that I may be in hospital on
the 15th and unable to post this then. I have spent much of the last month
thinking about Matthew - my pregnancy, his birth and death and have found it
somewhat healing as I approach another birth, but also quite painful. My baby
"shower" for this baby was full of tears (unlike last year's for Matthew which
was such a lovely celebration). Life is just not the same on the other side of
losing a precious baby. On Monday we went to the grave as we often do on Monday,
feeling a bit like it was the last "Matthew Monday" (since next Tuesday we'll go
to remember his anniversary). As we drove up, we realised that another baby had
been buried next to him and we were in shock. We knew of course that one day
this would happen, but never expected it to be within the first year (the graves
on the other side are 4-5 years older). We sat for ages and cried for Ruby
Grace's family, not knowing the circumstances, but feeling their pain. We cried
over losing our little patch of grass that we used to sit on next to Matthew. My
husband came home and had a "big cry" which he hasn't done in ages. It is a time
filled with such mixed emotions.

Well, here are my "anniversary thoughts" on Matthew. Not very substantial but
just what has come to mind these last few weeks. I have a bag of Matthew
memories to take to hospital with me and some plans for the day - we'll just
have to wait and see if this baby wants to share her brother's birthday...

Vanessa

On 15th September, we celebrate our son's birthday and remember his death.
Although his time with us was so brief, Matthew has marked our lives forever.
When we think of what could have been - a toddler learning to walk and talk,
playing with trucks and trains - and then of what this last year has been, we
realise what a dramatic turn our family's life has taken. We have continued on
despite the sadness and grief. We have learned to love one another deeply and
unconditionally. We have learnt how to love Matthew more, even in his absence.
We have learnt how and where to find hope even when life seems hopeless. We have
learnt that love never dies. We have learnt to be thankful for the abundant
blessing of our children's lives, no matter how long or short. We've learnt that
life sometimes takes you in directions that you don't expect, you can't predict
or control and you often don't want, yet these experiences are what give our own
brief lives meaning, purpose and growth.

A year ago we watched as our son "passed through" on his way to heaven. Matthew
did this quickly in one short hour, right before our eyes, reminding us of our
own journey to heaven and the inheritance which is waiting for us, one that will
never perish, spoil or fade (1 Peter 1:4).

One year on, it is hard to believe that we have now lived without Matthew longer
than the 9 months or so we had with him. We miss having all our children here
with us at once, something we will never get to experience here on earth but
pray for in heaven. Bringing new life into the world in the midst of the
continued ache of letting another one go is painfully juxtaposed for us right
now. Our memories of the 15th September 2008 may start to fade, but they will
never completely disappear as the years stretch on.

I guess that in heaven nobody counts birthdays, but Happy Birthday to you, our
boy Matthew. We thank God for your time with us, we love you, we miss you and we
look forward to joining you in the everlasting party in heaven one day.