I've been trawling through my "jokes" folder (it obviously needs more divisions
- what sort of person would subdivide their email folders so far??... I know
youll all understand).

Anyway I haven't found my list of jokes from the cockpit yet - but I came across
this one...

>Subject: Qantas Airline gripe sheet

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys
to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that
need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then
respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.
The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by
Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Never let it
be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. By the way,
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the
engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.



--- Grover Mellin

--- gjmellin@...

--- EarthLink: The #1 provider of the Real Internet.


fmonaghan2002 <fmonaghan2002@...> wrote:real (allegedly) funny air traffic
controllers conversations
via www.telegraph.co.uk arts section
link: http://www.businessballs.com/

If you know the source of this collection of amusing air traffic
control discussions, or you have others to contribute, please contact
us. The authenticity of these alleged conversations cannot be guaranteed.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you
ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was
f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've
always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."






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