I know none of this is actually pertinent to libraries, but no-one has sent
anything funny for so long (except the warrier librarian)
This is rated PG - mild course language -sorry if it offends

ADVICE FOR 2006.

1*DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.

2*CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.

3*RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

4*DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.

5*WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
the stains.

6*MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

7*EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half
the CVs into the bin.

8*ALCOHOL: Makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

9*MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
wife from having to do it.

10*GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to
yourself by NZ Post.

11*BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

12*DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

13*PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

14*CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

15*DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help';
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

16*MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop you're mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

17*SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside a supermarket with several bags of shopping, looking at your
watch and occasionally glancing inside.

18*BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the
egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

19*ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to
the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

20*McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they
blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

21*WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a
s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house
afterwards







Narelle Bell


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