Sounds like an airline I'd love to fly with!!!!

Narelle Bell



Some are old ones but still funny


> Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg, i.e.
the
> Jetstar in SA.
>
> Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
> lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real
> examples that have been heard or reported:
>
> On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit
> where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time
choosing,
> when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out
> furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
>
> ---o0o---
>
> On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
> pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
> will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to
> enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> ----o0o---
>
> On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
> your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's
> something we'd like to have."
>
> ----o0o---
>
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
> ways out of this airplane."
>
> ---o0o---
>
> "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us
> the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> -------o0o---
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a
> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
> -----o0o---
>
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the
> Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care
when
> opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
> sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
> ---o0o---
>
> From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 245 to Durban.
> To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull

> tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know
> how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
>
> ---o0o---
>
> "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
> descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over
> your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your
> mask
> before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than
one
> small child, pick your favourite."
>
> ---o0o---
>
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
> but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
> remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
>
> ----o0o---
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event
> of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with
> our compliments."
>
> ---o0o---
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
> flight
> attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> -------o0o---
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines
> is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants
in
> the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
> ---------o0o---
>
> Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town:
> The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
> bump,
> and I know what you all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the

> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
> attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>
> ----------o0o---
>
> Overheard on an Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly
> windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
> having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
> Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City.
Please
>
> remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis
> what's
> left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> ----------o0o---
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
> landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces
> us
> to the terminal."
>
> ---o0o---
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
> hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy
> which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
> Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline.
> He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the

> passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment.
> Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking
> with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why,

> no, Madam," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did
> we
> land, or were we shot down?"
>
> ---o0o---
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant
> came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
> Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
> halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
> warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick
your
> way
> through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
> ---o0o---
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
> thank you for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
> the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal
> tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
>
> ---o0o---
> Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
> smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you
can
> light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
> ---o0o---
>
> A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the
> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
> Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The
> weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
> uneventful
> flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and
> after a few
> minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
> Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
> to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee
in
> my
> lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled,
> "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!
>
>
>
>
>

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