I love it!!! 8-)
----- Original Message -----
From: poet
To: lightheartedlibrarians@...
Sent: Sunday, May 01, 2005 1:08 PM
Subject: [lightheartedlibrarians] daily affirmations (cynical but funny)
Effective Daily Affirmations
* As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in
touch with my Inner Sociopath.
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
that are someone else's fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
* Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control
over others.
* My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
* I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts
even more.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.
* Joan of Arc heard voices too.
* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.
* I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.
* As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they
reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
* When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.
But not nearly as gratifying.
* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second,
to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me
nice things.
* All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and
disgusting parts.
* I am at one with my duality.
* I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
with imaginary fears.
* I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state
and local laws.
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there
are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
* Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
* The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.
* I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
* Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step
- blaming my parents.
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look
like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
* To understand all is to fear all.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Effective Daily Affirmations
* As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in
touch with my Inner Sociopath.
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
that are someone else's fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
* Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control
over others.
* My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
* I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts
even more.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.
* Joan of Arc heard voices too.
* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.
* I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.
* As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they
reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
* When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.
But not nearly as gratifying.
* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second,
to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me
nice things.
* All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and
disgusting parts.
* I am at one with my duality.
* I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
with imaginary fears.
* I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state
and local laws.
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there
are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
* Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
* The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.
* I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
* Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step
- blaming my parents.
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look
like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
* To understand all is to fear all.
Actual radio transcript released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.
Station #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.
Station #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South
to avoid a collision.
Station #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Station #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Station #1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A
LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Station #2. This is the Puget Sound lighthouse. It's your call.
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
College Admission Essay
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallagher, was admitted to NYU.
Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know
you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following
question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or
accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a
person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I
sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on
vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights
in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees
at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Ack...I don't have pearls or a bun, but I plead guilty on twin sets. :( I also
have a shapeless black sweater....
The MeddlingSpinster
Narelle B <narbell3@...> wrote:
Sharon Uthmann <sharonbenstead@...> wrote:
Another interesting description of the librarian was found in a novel I was
reading recently by Kathy Reichs. She described the librarian as the gatekeeper
who didn't want her to use the microfilm. Tusking under her breath and asking
her to turn her mobile phone off when it started ringing. No mention of buns or
pearls!!! 8-)
I'm guessing that the bun, pearls and twin set were simply a given!
Kowalski: I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress.
Does it mean something that this quote keeps recurring in your emails Sharon???
Narelle
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sharon Uthmann <sharonbenstead@...> wrote:
Another interesting description of the librarian was found in a novel I was
reading recently by Kathy Reichs. She described the librarian as the gatekeeper
who didn't want her to use the microfilm. Tusking under her breath and asking
her to turn her mobile phone off when it started ringing. No mention of buns or
pearls!!! 8-)
I'm guessing that the bun, pearls and twin set were simply a given!
Kowalski: I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress.
Does it mean something that this quote keeps recurring in your emails Sharon???
Narelle
---------------------------------
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To visit your group on the web, go to:
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To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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Narelle Bell
__________________________________________________
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
yeah well back in the far distant past i rmember getting the brush off
from ref librarians when they found out i was an
undergraduate....interesting to hear PH'ds used to get the same
treatment:)
Thought I'd share this one with you since we are all "lighthearted" not to get
confused with "lightheaded" 8-)
On the reference desk the other day I received a phone call from one of our
offcampus/external/distant students. This person identified themselves as a phD
student.
He was calling from the Whitsundays and he sounded quite "happy" which some
could mistake for intoxicated!!!
Anyway, he wanted me to help him find the right databases to search to find
information about poultry and the economic impact of the bird flu should it come
to Australia.
During the phone instruction he recalled a time when he was studying his
undergrad at a university in South Africa. He said that the library didn't have
any technology and the librarian apparently reminded him of a "destapo" (excuse
me if I have spelt this wrong or am using the wrong word). Anyway she used to
walk around with a whip swating flies - and apparently students who were making
too much noise.
Anyway, I know there really isn't much of a punch line there but it was
interesting for him to describe a librarian that way - I told him that since he
was on the phone he wouldn't have to worry about me swatting him LOL
Another interesting description of the librarian was found in a novel I was
reading recently by Kathy Reichs. She described the librarian as the gatekeeper
who didn't want her to use the microfilm. Tusking under her breath and asking
her to turn her mobile phone off when it started ringing. No mention of buns or
pearls!!! 8-)
Hope you are all having a good weekend.
Sharon Uthmann
Kowalski: I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress.
(Due South)
http://alia.org.au/~suthmann/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
A bit political but still humourous!!
I have received this from a US friend
According to icasualties.org there have been 88 hostile fire deaths caused by
firearms since the beginning of hostilities in Iraq. The remainder of coalition
deaths have been due to explosives or accidents.
Considering that there have been on average 160,000 troops in theater during
the last 22 months, there has been a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.
The current hostile fire death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000.
You are more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capital, which has
some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than in Iraq.
The conclusion?
The U.S. should immediately pull out of WASHINGTON, DC.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Along the lines of working, the attached job application may be of assistance!
University graduate or not.
Narelle
poet <poemsandpoetry2002@...> wrote:
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reports for his first day
of work.
The manager greets him with a hearty handshake and smile, hands him a
broom and says, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"Sweep the store, but I'm a college graduate," the young man
indignantly replied.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager."Here, give me
the broom - I'll show you how first."
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
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To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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Narelle Bell
__________________________________________________
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Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reports for his first day
of work.
The manager greets him with a hearty handshake and smile, hands him a
broom and says, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"Sweep the store, but I'm a college graduate," the young man
indignantly replied.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager."Here, give me
the broom - I'll show you how first."
Dorothy Nevill
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment."
if you join this group it proves you've got a sense of himour. Think
about it. Though I did get accused of being a nerd by my techie
brother tonight. According to him anyone who has a webpage, even if
yahoo does all the designing, proves it. This from someone who wrote
his own version of a word processor at the age of 14. on an amiga yet!
WARRIOR LIBRARIAN WEEKLY: The E-zine for information professionals. Only
available online at http://www.warriorlibrarian.com
For information on the book, BIBLIA'S GUIDE TO WARRIOR LIBRARIANSHIP,
(including ordering information), go to:
http://warriorlibrarian.com/buythebook.html
*****************************
Dear Warrior Librarian Update Subscribers,
The latest edition of Warrior Librarian is now available online. This
week’s features include:
· The Vatican Library – are policy changes in store?
· OCLC shock in "Top 1000 books"
· Politicians begin to acknowledge falling literacy standards
· Librarians' image will suffer another body blow in upcoming movie
A new column appears amongst the regulars – Cutesy Twee Thang (and
that’s not a typo). Other regular columns include:
* Editorial Soapbox (a general rant that doesn't tell you anything you
didn't already know)
* Let Loose @ the Library (suggestions for library promotional
activities)
* Website of the Week (although it breaks my heart to send you off the
Warrior Librarian site)
* Quote of the Week (which is sometimes worth thinking about, but not
always)
* Media Story of the Week (that you might have missed on one of the
other 2000 library listservs or news alerts)
* Corporate Home Library (which this week takes a brief look at parody
publications)
* Day Job Blog (only because everyone else is doing it)
and some other stuff ...
Don't forget you can access the latest edition directly through
http://warriorlibrarian.com/index2.htm if you don't want to go via the
site's new front page.
Enjoy!
Amanda Credaro
[aka Biblia, the Warrior Librarian]
*******************************
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Lyndon B. Johnson
"If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that
one of them is doing the thinking."
Find local movie times and trailers on Yahoo! Movies.
http://au.movies.yahoo.com
The CEO of a large company was scheduled to speak at an important
convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy,
20-minute speech. A few days later when the CEO returned from the big
event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to
know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he
replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
im starting to feel like i work for readers digest:) no offence to
readers digest, of course. it just feels like a lot of their jokes are
on the internet
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were
you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $75,000 a year, depending
on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2
years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task
of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the
correct solution wins a $1000).
The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures,
but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb
bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the
length of the string.
The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to
the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by
trigonometry.
However, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer
in the local pub and he told him how high the church steeple was.
Logan Pearsall Smith
"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."
Niels Bohr
"Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think."
Al Capone
"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a
smile and a gun."
-------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Q: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which
one was the specialist in contextually indicated
deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?
A: The other one.
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