I finally found the one I had in mind. It was only in hard copy so I have to
retype it!
Actual radio transcript released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95
Station #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.
Station #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a
collision.
Station #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
Station #2: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Station #1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF
THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Station #2: This is the Puget Sound Lighthouse. It's your call.
(Narelle: I wonder where the lighthouse is now??)
Narelle Bell
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The latest edition is now online. Read about:
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* Internet Scout's newest venture
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and other stuff too.
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Found some more...(I have several aircraft lovers in my family)
> Good old Qantas...
>
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
> in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining.
> Here are some real examples that have been heard or
> reported:
>
> On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
> pilot
> said: "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
> be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
> enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." _____
>
> On landing the hostess said: "Please be sure to take all your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
> something we'd like to have." _____
>
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
> to leave the aircraft." _____
>
> "Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
> business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." _____
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice
> came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" _____
>
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
> flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced: "Please take care when
> opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
> sure as f#&% everything has shifted." _____
>
> >From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
> operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
> tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
> know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
> unsupervised." _____
>
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
> from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
> If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
> assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small
> child, pick your favourite. _____
>
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
> remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
> _____
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> compliments." _____
>
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
> overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
> before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
> _____
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
> attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." _____
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is
> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" _____
>
> Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart.
> The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a
> bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it
> wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
> flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!" _____
>
> Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and
> bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having
> to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said:
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats
> with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
> our airplane to the gate!" _____
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
> ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
> terminal."
>
> _____
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
> his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
> required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
> exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said
> that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
> passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
> comment. Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane.
> She said: "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said
> the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said: "Did we land or
> were we shot down?" _____
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came
> on
> with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
> Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
> against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
> bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
> through the wreckage to the terminal." _____
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
> you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
> insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
> tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas." _____
>
> A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
> the
> intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
> Welcome to Flight Number xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The
> weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and
> uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence
> followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
> intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
> you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me
> a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.You should see
> the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said: "That's nothing. He
should see the back of mine!"
>
>
fmonaghan2002 <fmonaghan2002@...> wrote:real (allegedly) funny air traffic
controllers conversations
via www.telegraph.co.uk arts section
link: http://www.businessballs.com/
If you know the source of this collection of amusing air traffic
control discussions, or you have others to contribute, please contact
us. The authenticity of these alleged conversations cannot be guaranteed.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you
ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was
f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've
always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
---------------------------------
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I've been trawling through my "jokes" folder (it obviously needs more divisions
- what sort of person would subdivide their email folders so far??... I know
youll all understand).
Anyway I haven't found my list of jokes from the cockpit yet - but I came across
this one...
>Subject: Qantas Airline gripe sheet
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys
to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that
need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then
respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.
The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by
Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Never let it
be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. By the way,
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the
engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
--- Grover Mellin
--- gjmellin@...
--- EarthLink: The #1 provider of the Real Internet.
fmonaghan2002 <fmonaghan2002@...> wrote:real (allegedly) funny air traffic
controllers conversations
via www.telegraph.co.uk arts section
link: http://www.businessballs.com/
If you know the source of this collection of amusing air traffic
control discussions, or you have others to contribute, please contact
us. The authenticity of these alleged conversations cannot be guaranteed.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you
ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was
f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've
always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
---------------------------------
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Making the most of your IT department
--Unknown
1. When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee.
It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a
life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a
smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water
or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email
or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and
flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier or fax machine doesn't work, call computer
support. There's electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE or BUSY SIGNAL message at home,
call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't
bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new
software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got
on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your
dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that
'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you
wouldn't be doing it, would you?
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk.
Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary
to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a
third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a
high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and
processor capacity on that mail server.
27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into
the queue.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on
the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be
there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your
Access database flip out.
30. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at
once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.
The Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs do not work:
20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs don't work:
1. "It works on my machine."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our
start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you
must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying
a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown
voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you
lost the bloody war."
real (allegedly) funny air traffic controllers conversations
via www.telegraph.co.uk arts section
link: http://www.businessballs.com/
If you know the source of this collection of amusing air traffic
control discussions, or you have others to contribute, please contact
us. The authenticity of these alleged conversations cannot be guaranteed.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you
ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was
f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've
always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
"If I'd written my first novel 20 years ago, I'd still be trying to
get it published today. It would have emerged tortured, humourless,
and overlong; a thinly disguised autobiography attracting enough
rejection to cause permanent psychological damage.
I wouldn't have learned brevity, lateral thinking, or the many
practical applications of a distinctly flawed personality. I might
never have learned that there are a million ways to skin a cat, or
write a sex scene. Above all, I wouldn't have had the pleasure of not
working in advertising - possibly the best thing about writing book"
source:
http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/generalfiction/story/0,6000,1355131,00.h\
tml?gusrc=rss
(especially liked the bit about the two degrees:)
You know you're a librarian when...
... you worry about punctuation
... you tell people to be quiet in bookshops
... you use acronyms more than you use real words
... you know what all the acronyms you use stand for
... people are amazed that you need two degrees to stamp books all day
... you read dictionaries for fun
... you know when you're breaking copyright law
... you've left your friends in the pub to go and look something up
... you can tell what someone is going to ask you by the look on their
face
... 245 00 $a makes perfect sense
... you have dreams/nightmares about Dewey
... you know what the last digit of an isbn is for
... you pride yourself on not conforming to stereotypes
... you smiled at at least two of the above
source:http://bluenettle.blogspot.com/2005/05/you-know-youre-librarian-when.html
on principle im against jokes that confirm the librerrian stereotype
but this one isnt too bad:
Weeding Jokes - for the Librarians
I was weeding juvenile non-fiction books the other day and Harry sent
me the following top ten list in response to my description of the
process. I thought this was pretty cute coming from a non-librarian.
Here it is:
Checklist on J Non-Fic books that can be disposed of (with my
apologies to Letterman's Top 10 Lists):
10) If any part of the text says that "Someday man may go to space."
9) If an illustration of a computer takes more than one page, due to
the size of the machine.
8) If the encyclopedia entry says, "This year's Grammy winners, The
Beatles..."
7) If it mentions the Soviet Union in the present or future tense.
6) If it has no Dewey Decimal number because it predates Dewey.
5) If the word Microsoft refers to something small and not hard.
4) If the book was written before you were born because, really,
nothing important happened before you.
3) If the book refers to New York as New Amsterdam.
2) If you cannot find any mention of World War 2 in an American
history book.
and the #1 reason to get rid of a J Non-Fic book:
1) If a history book only has 2 people listed: Adam and Eve.
source:
http://kinkylibrarian.blogspot.com/2005/04/weeding-jokes-for-librarians.html
blends the sacred, the profane AND linguitics
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get
rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
Next day the headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.
WARRIOR LIBRARIAN WEEKLY: The E-zine for information professionals. Only
available online at http://www.warriorlibrarian.com
For information on the book, BIBLIA'S GUIDE TO WARRIOR LIBRARIANSHIP,
(including ordering information), go to:
http://warriorlibrarian.com/buythebook.html
*************************************
Dear Warrior Librarian update subscriber,
Yes, in less than a calendar week since the last one, another edition is
now available. You can't get better value for your money than that!
This weeks features include:
* A Harry Potter spoiler (you have been warned)
* Brand New Global Community for Information Sector
* Threat received from author
* ISP streams keynotes from Sydney Writers' Festival (archived online at
BigPond for free public access - requires broadband)
... and much more, including some possibly valuable advice if you think
you might be stressed.
[Don't forget that you can access Warrior Librarian Weekly directly by
using the link http://warriorlibrarian.com/index2.htm if don't want to
go through the Warrior Librarian home page.]
Enjoy!
Amanda Credaro
[aka Biblia the Warrior Librarian]
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WARRIOR LIBRARIAN WEEKLY: The E-zine for information professionals. Only
available online at http://www.warriorlibrarian.com
For information on the book, BIBLIA'S GUIDE TO WARRIOR LIBRARIANSHIP,
(including ordering information), go to:
http://warriorlibrarian.com/buythebook.html
**************************
Dear Warrior Librarian update subscriber,
A mere week after the last edition, the next edition is now available
online for your amusement, education and/or excuse to have a break.
This week's features include:
* Claws out at conference dinner (for those that like a bit of fresh
gossip)
* Information storage and retrieval (what has Google learned from the
Warrior Librarian)
* Warrior Librarian uniform now available (for those of you that are
fashion conscious)
* LOC starts mammoth task (although you probably read about this
elsewhere by now)
and lots of other stuff.
Enjoy!
Amanda Credaro
[aka Biblia, the Warrior Librarian]
*********************************
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WARRIOR LIBRARIAN WEEKLY: The E-zine for information professionals. Only
available online at http://www.warriorlibrarian.com
For information on the book, BIBLIA'S GUIDE TO WARRIOR LIBRARIANSHIP,
(including ordering information), go to:
http://warriorlibrarian.com/buythebook.html
***********************************
Dear Warrior Librarian Update Subscribers,
The latest edition of Warrior Librarian is now available online, with
yet another new look for the world's premier online satirical library
journal. This week's features include:
* Dept. of Ed. axes Virtual Reference Desk funding
* The framing of the Warrior Librarian
* Young readers denied freedom of choice; older readers spurned
* Telco to address literacy crisis
Other regular columns include:
* Editorial Soapbox (a general rant that doesn't tell you anything you
didn't already know)
* Website of the Week (although it breaks my heart to send you off the
Warrior Librarian site)
* Quote of the Week (which is sometimes worth thinking about, but not
always)
* Day Job Blog (only because everyone else is doing it)
and some other stuff ...
Don't forget you can access the latest edition directly through
http://warriorlibrarian.com/index2.htm if you don't want to go via the
site's new front page.
Enjoy!
Amanda Credaro
[aka Biblia, the Warrior Librarian]
******************************
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At first reading, I thought pffft (yes, my brain leaked air), there's nothing
profound or WTF about this quote. But the more I thought about it, the weirder
and stupider it got. I think I'll use it to torment a couple of my IQ-snob
friends...thanks!
- m.s. (stands for meddling spinster)
poet <poemsandpoetry2002@...> wrote:
still trying to work out what it means
Don Juan Manuel
"He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you
have."
---------------------------------
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"Profound" is how I'd describe it (ie What the???)
poet <poemsandpoetry2002@...> wrote:
still trying to work out what it means
Don Juan Manuel
"He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you
have."
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butit got an A...go figure:) thanks to my student bulletin board for this
Subject: Hell
>The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university
>chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the
>professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
>course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
>
>Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
>(absorbs heat)?
>
>Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
>(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
>variant.
>
>One student, however, wrote the following:
>
>First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
>need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
>at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
>soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
>
>As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
>Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
>that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
>
>Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
>belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
>Hell.
>
>With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
>souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
>change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
>for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
>
>Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
>
>This gives two possibilities:
>
>1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
>enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
>until all Hell breaks loose.
>
>2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
>Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
>over.
>
>So which is it?
>
>If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
>year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and
>take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
>2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
>already frozen over.
>
>The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
>follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
>extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
>being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
>
>
>THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned
his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied
Mrs. O'Connor. Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried
again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor,
looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed. Still hopeful, the
solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural
connubial practices? Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think
he knows anything about the connubial. Now desperate, the solicitor
pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.
"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone
grounds. Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable
exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is
the reason for you seeking this divorce? Ah, well now, said the lady,
Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.
Children's Books that didn't make it
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Before I came to college, I wish I had known . . .
- that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd sleep
right through it
- that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways
- that college kids throw airplanes, too
- that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so
dressed up
- that every clock on campus shows a different time
- that if you were smart in high school - so what?
- that I would go to a party the night before a final
- that you can know everything and yet fail a test
- that you can know nothing and ace a test
- that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes
- that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about
- that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50
- that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry,
chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math
- that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same time
- that beer would play an intricate role in my future
in honour of my last minute dash to get all my essays in by the end of
the semester
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where
you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has
opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a
"book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help.
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