Dear Friend,
Please I would like to apply through this letter for your express
co-operationand to secure in your position an opportunity to invest and do joint
business with you in your country. I am looking forward to your urgent and
positive response for us to discuss details.
Sincerely,
Mr .Collins Mark
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got
there first.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Narelle Bell
Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Do You Speak Computer-ese?
Home is where you hang your @.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
There's no place like http://www.home.com
Don't byte off more than you can view.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
Narelle Bell
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
http://money.guardian.co.uk/work/story/0,,1924889,00.html
this made me laugh
5 Treat appraisals as auditions for panto
An appraisal is where you have an exchange of opinion
with your boss. It's called an exchange of opinion
because you go in with your opinion and leave with
their opinion. When you have had a bad year, the best
approach is a balance between cringeing apology and
grovelling sycophancy, something like: "My respect for
you is so intense that it sometimes distracted me,
thereby causing the continual string of major cock-ups
that have been the main feature of my performance this
year." Interestingly, giving appraisals is actually as
hard as getting them. The secret is to mix criticism
with recognition. For example: "You've made a number
of mistakes Martin, but we recognise you made them
because you are a total idiot."
8 Try not to upset anyone
Think how easy it is to upset someone at home and then
triple it: that is how easy it is to upset someone at
work. Upsetting your boss is the easiest thing to do
in the office (apart from their job that is). All you
have to do is turn up and you've got yourself well and
truly in their bad books. Keeping on the right side of
them is simply a matter of anticipating their every
whim, completing work before they decide it's needed
and laughing at their pathetic jokes rather than their
pathetic dress sense. People at the bottom of the
office pile are equally easy to upset. If your job is
to push a button you are not going to take kindly to
anyone who tells you where, when and how to push it.
Only those people who respect your absolute mastery of
button-pushing will be allowed to benefit from a
display of the aforesaid mastery.
17 Find the right person
Everyone in the office is the right person for
something. They have the experience, the programme,
the form, the docket, the knowledge or the key to make
something happen in the easiest manner possible. But
when somebody else wants to do this particular thing
the last person in the universe they will ask is the
right person. Instead they reinvent the wheel, take
their driving test and do a couple of horrific crash
tests. In this way everyone has to learn to do
everything from scratch. That is what they mean when
they talk about a learning organisation.
****************************
fran m
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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston
Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest
Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -
Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a
friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...
if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
Narelle Bell
---------------------------------
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Take part in Total Girl’s Ultimate Slumber Party and help break a world record
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
i think we have already established that ngg have a
highly specialised sense of humour:)
--- Narelle B <narbell3@...> wrote:
> meant to send that last one to ngg. Test their
> current sense of humour :)
****************************
fran m
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meant to send that last one to ngg. Test their current sense of humour :)
Narelle Bell
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
This is technically what I learnt last month, but since it just came through on
an email you could say I have just learnt it
Things I've learned from Lee O.
I've learned that you cannot make someone else love you - All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
I've learned that the day will happen whether you get up or not.
I've learned that if it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort, then it
probably isn't.
I've learned that if I can't be a good example, then I'll just have to be a
horrible warning.
I've learned that ambivalence may or may not be my problem.
I've learned that adults are just kids who owe money.
Narelle Bell
Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!!
>
> This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the
> brave.
>
> Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
>
>
>
> Pursue at your leisure, English lovers.
>
>
>
> 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
>
> 2) The farm was used to produce produce.
>
> 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
>
> 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
>
> 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
>
> 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
>
> 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
> present the present.
>
> 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
>
> 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
>
> 10) I did not object to the object.
>
> 11)! The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
>
> 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
>
> 13) They were too close to the door to close it
>
> 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
>
> 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
>
> 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
>
> 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
>
> 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
>
> 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
>
> 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
>
> 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
>
>
>
> There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
> pine in pineapple.
>
>
>
> English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France
> (Surprise!).
>
>
> Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
>
>
> Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
> neither from Guinea or is it a pig.
>
>
> And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
> groce and hammers don't ham?
>
>
> If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
>
>
> One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
>
>
> Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
>
>
> If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
> them,
>
> what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
>
>
>
> If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
>
>
> If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
>
>
> In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
>
>
> Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
>
>
> Have noses that run and feet that smell?
>
>
> How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
> and a wise guy are opposites?
>
>
> You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
> house can burn up as it burns down,
>
>
> in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm
> goes off by going on.
>
>
> English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
> creativity of the human race,
>
>
> which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars
> are out, they are visible,
>
>
> but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
>
>
> P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
>
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
--
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.394 / Virus Database: 268.10.7/409 - Release Date: 4/08/2006
Narelle Bell
Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Difference Between Women And Men
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on
sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"
Narelle Bell
Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
they gave me the axe.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my
net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the
work was just too draining.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always
the same old grind.
---------------------------------------------------
"Forty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious
problem.
The other 57 percent said, 'No hablo Ingles'.
---------------------------------------------------
A wife says she wants a divorce.
Husband: "But you're supposed to love me no matter what."
Wife: "You have me confused with Jesus."
---------------------------------------------------
Some children's bible interpretations:
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the
night.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Narelle Bell
Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/games/career/html/questions.html
example:
FROM THE DESK OF THE EVIL HUMAN
RESOURCES DIRECTOR:
Performance Appraisal for Ms. x:
The possibility of hiring more employees like Ms. x
should be discussed immediately. She handles
assignments with unlooked-for creativity and she
appears ever productive and has been seen dropping in
at off hours. Her name is frequently mentioned in
executive meetings and she is not afraid to ask
questions that check the assumptions of others. No one
has caught her sleeping on the job. Ms. x works behind
the scenes. Ms. x makes decisions with minimal
direction. Her work sets Ms. x apart from her peers
and she was tasked with many assignments this year.
Not surprisingly, she sets a compelling example for
the younger employees.
* In Strict Confidence *
****************************
fran m
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i guess i did:) things have come to a pretty pass when
you can't have a go at academia without thinking twice
hey....
but if you recall there was an amusing riposte about
the complexities of toy librarianship...so all is not
lost for those of us who prefer to look on the lighter
side (aka silly as a wheel...i wish)
****************************
fran m
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Nah - I knew you were being funny - but it was on that e-list where some people
object to lighthearted comments! You got away with it
fran m <fmonaghan2002@...> wrote: sad to say it was a joke the first time
i posted it,
sorry to disillusion you narelle:)
--- Narelle B <narbell3@...> wrote:
> Didn't you put this as a serious reply to someone
> recently??
****************************
fran m
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Narelle Bell
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
yay! another poster!!! thanks ah that would be telling:)
****************************
fran m
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sad to say it was a joke the first time i posted it,
sorry to disillusion you narelle:)
--- Narelle B <narbell3@...> wrote:
> Didn't you put this as a serious reply to someone
> recently??
****************************
fran m
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Much as I love that story about the gauge of railroads, snopes doesn't
seem to think much of it. See <a href="http://www.snopes.com/history/
american/
gauge.htm">gauge</a>
Here's one I heard on the radio, possibly on Prairie Home Companion:
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Wait for it...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
\|/
Because, if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken SEDAN!
Didn't you put this as a serious reply to someone recently?? I thought it was
funny. Amazing how truth often is...just depends how you look at it.
Narelle
fran m <fmonaghan2002@...> wrote:
this made me laugh when i wrote it, im not sure its
actually all that funny but here it is anyway:)
heres some things ive learned in library school that
might be useful in other contexts:
Change is constant. (oh hang on, that was in history)
Research isnt always all its cracked up to be.
(Research methods)
People have a thousand ways to find the information
thats important to them, that don't include asking a
librarian, and thats ok
If people don't want to ask a librarian, it might be
useful to consider if you are contributing to a
stereotype that is unhelpful to the information quest.
(Information Seeking in context)(Contemporary Library
Management)
Knowledge management is an evolving interdisciplinary
field, in other word Information Management with the
organisational learning thrown in (Information
Management in Organisations)
Knowledge has a contested economic value (Information
Society Issues)
The disconnect between theory and practice has been
going on since the Ark (Collection Development)
****************************
frances monaghan
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---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
this made me laugh when i wrote it, im not sure its
actually all that funny but here it is anyway:)
heres some things ive learned in library school that
might be useful in other contexts:
Change is constant. (oh hang on, that was in history)
Research isnt always all its cracked up to be.
(Research methods)
People have a thousand ways to find the information
thats important to them, that don't include asking a
librarian, and thats ok
If people don't want to ask a librarian, it might be
useful to consider if you are contributing to a
stereotype that is unhelpful to the information quest.
(Information Seeking in context)(Contemporary Library
Management)
Knowledge management is an evolving interdisciplinary
field, in other word Information Management with the
organisational learning thrown in (Information
Management in Organisations)
Knowledge has a contested economic value (Information
Society Issues)
The disconnect between theory and practice has been
going on since the Ark (Collection Development)
****************************
frances monaghan
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that was actually pretty interesting:)
--- Jewelly <jewelly66@...> wrote:
>
****************************
frances monaghan
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ok all and now we know a piece of trivia i am sure we will never need to know!!
Subject: Railroads and Rocket Science
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the
rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches
That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built
the
US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways,
and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they
used
for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing ?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on
some of
the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel
ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for
their legions.
The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for
fear of
destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome,
they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from
the
original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies
live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came
up
with it, you may
be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army
chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war
horses.
Now the twist to the story
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets
attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or
SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who
designed the
SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be
shipped by
train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory
happens to run
through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through
that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the
railroad track, as
you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most
advanced
transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of
a
horse's ass.
... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
"Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
-- Franklin P. Jones
---------------------------------
____________________________________________________
---------------------------------
On Yahoo!7
24: Watch it from 9.30pm on Thursdays on Seven
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
havent really thought about click 06 yet....i need a
holiday though so.//maybe?
--- Narelle B <narbell3@...> wrote:
> Sorry no- too far to go. I will be at the NLS though
>
>
****************************
frances monaghan
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Sorry no- too far to go. I will be at the NLS though
Narelle
Jewelly <jewelly66@...> wrote:
HI Fran,
hmm that doesnt surprise me at all.
there is usually a few who post most of the time and the others sit and watch
and nod the heads...lol
i will try and find some jokes for the board.. dont come by them too often
anymore...
catch you both around ..
are either you or Narelle going to click 2006?
cheers
Jewelly
fran m <fmonaghan2002@...> wrote:
greetings jewelly jokes always welcome, narelle and I
seem to be the only ones posting them:)
cheers
fran m
-
>
>
>
>
****************************
frances monaghan
__________________________________________________
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"Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
-- Franklin P. Jones
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Narelle Bell
---------------------------------
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Yahoo! Music: Check out the gig guide for live music in your area
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
HI Fran,
hmm that doesnt surprise me at all.
there is usually a few who post most of the time and the others sit and watch
and nod the heads...lol
i will try and find some jokes for the board.. dont come by them too often
anymore...
catch you both around ..
are either you or Narelle going to click 2006?
cheers
Jewelly
fran m <fmonaghan2002@...> wrote:
greetings jewelly jokes always welcome, narelle and I
seem to be the only ones posting them:)
cheers
fran m
-
>
>
>
>
****************************
frances monaghan
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
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"Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
-- Franklin P. Jones
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Music: Check out the gig guide for live music in your area
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
greetings jewelly jokes always welcome, narelle and I
seem to be the only ones posting them:)
cheers
fran m
-
>
>
>
>
****************************
frances monaghan
__________________________________________________
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Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
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HI all
just found out about this list as it is in the signature line of Fran M.
Thought i would come over and check it out!
Cheers
Jewelly
Curtin Student
Tabea Rudolph, 26, Stuttgart
There are problems in the woods. The animals of the forest are always
drunk, so the fox decides to ban alcohol. The following day, the fox
spies a rabbit hanging out of a tree, clearly wasted. The fox ticks
him off, and carries on his way. But the next day he sees the rabbit
drunk again, and gives him a final warning. The next day, the fox does
his rounds and there's no sign of the rabbit, but he notices a straw
sticking out of a stream. Wondering what it is, the fox scoops it out,
only to find a very drunk rabbit on the other end of it. "How many
times do I have to tell you that animals of the forest aren't allowed
alcohol?" says the Fox. "We fishes don't give a toss what the animals
of the forest aren't allowed to do," says the rabbit
from the <a
href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/germany/article/0,,1781004,00.html">guardian</a>
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark,
professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep
the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Narelle Bell
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360°: Your own space to share what you want with who you want!
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pencil = wood processor\
an oldie but a goddie:)
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frances monaghan
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