Lets start the year with a smile
Here are some linguisitc thoughts for you Fran - you've probably already come
across most of them, but .....
English Is A Crazy Language
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted but, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that....
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Humans?
If critically injured means badly injured, does critically acclaimed mean badly
acclaimed?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 20 kgs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Senior Moments 80 year old woman says to her hubby "Oh Gawd I'm convinced I'm
losing my mind" He replies "Im not surprised you've been giving me a piece of it
every day for over 20 years.
Laugh a little every day, it's better than chicken soup. At least that's what
the chickens say
Narelle Bell
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[You are receiving this because you have subscribed to this free newsletter as
lightheartedlibrarians@.... If you would like to unsubscribe,
just go to http://www.BatesInfo.com/subscribe.html or email me.]
* * * All The OTHER Search Engines * * *
Yes, we all Google, although I have recently started Yahooing more than I
Google. But there are far more search engines out there than Google, Yahoo,
Live.com and Ask.com. It is almost impossible to keep track of all these other
search tools; fortunately, other people have taken that job on. Note that the
sources I have described below are not meta-search engines such as Dogpile.com;
that is, they do not execute a search across a number of search engines. Rather,
these are tools to identify the search engine that may best meet your research
needs.
One site I was introduced to by Amelia Kassel (www.marketingbase.com) is
AltSearchEngines.com. It is not a directory of search engines as much as a
collection of "Top 100 Search Engines", arranged in a glorified blog format. The
easiest way to find a search engine that might work for your topic is to click
on the most current monthly list of the top 100 search engines (See
http://snurl.com/1vo9k for the list for November). Although AltSearchEngines.com
has a "search" page, ostensibly to search its site, it does work well. A better
way to mine AltSearchEngines is to use Google's site: search. For example, to
find specialized search engines that focus on science, go to Google, and search
for
science site:altsearchengines.com
If you want to limit your search to reviews in 2007, you can search
science site:altsearchengines.com/2007
You can also go directly to http://altsearchengines.com/archives/, where you can
browse by topic - Top 100, Alts, Verticals, and so on.
Another approach to providing easy access to alternative search engines and
specialized databases of content is GoshMe, a service now available in beta
(requires registration, but you can see one version at
http://beta3.goshme.com/). GoshMe combines the broad coverage of something like
AltSearchEngines and the ability to see the results of your query in a number of
databases and search engines.
Here's how GoshMe works. You type your query into the GoshMe search box -
"global warming", for example. In the GoshMe search results page, you'll see
three links to what are calculate to be the most relevant web pages, then there
is a category labeled 'Go deeper... Best Databases on "global warming"'. Next
are the first 10 databases or specialized search engines that have content on
global warming. Click the "preview" link next to any of those search results,
and a preview box will open, letting you to see the search results page from the
query "global warming" in that search tool. Among the first few search engines
returned from this query were the US Global Change Research Program,
LiveScience.com archive, and an archive of The Guardian newspaper.
Neither of these tools is perfect, but both offer a way for you to try other
ways to dig deeper into the web.
****************************
"Can I publish or reproduce this InfoTip?" Be my guest. Just make sure you
credit the source, Bates Information Services, and include the URL,
www.BatesInfo.com/tip.html.
In addition to InfoTips, I've got a personal blog, Librarian of Fortune
(www.LibrarianOfFortune.com)
A version of this InfoTip with live links is available at
www.batesinfo.com/tip.html An RSS feed for my InfoTip is at
www.batesinfo.com/tip.rss
If you want to see where I will be speaking next, check out
www.BatesInfo.com/new.html
Do you need value-added research or training services?
Contact me at:
Mary Ellen Bates
Bates Information Services Inc.
+1 303.772.7095
mailto:mbates@...
www.BatesInfo.com
Contact me at:
Mary Ellen Bates
Bates Information Services Inc.
+1 303.772.7095
mailto:mbates@...
www.BatesInfo.com
hey thats funny :)
--- "Ah, that would be telling!"
<pershing123@...> wrote:
> Paris walked into a library because she wanted to
> experience something
> new. She walks up to the counter and says "Can I
> have a burger and
> fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a
> library." So Paris
> whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
>
>
****************************
fran m
__________________________________________________
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Paris walked into a library because she wanted to experience something
new. She walks up to the counter and says "Can I have a burger and
fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So Paris
whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
From:
"Paris Hilton nude sculpture be centerpiece to \"rescue women\"" <sdfwefwf258478wfwe@...> Date:
Sat Oct 27, 2007 4:42 pm Subject::Paris Hilton nude sculpture be centerpiece
From:
"Paris Hilton nude sculpture be centerpiece to \"rescue women\"" <sdfwefwf258478wfwe@...> Date:
Sat Oct 27, 2007 3:28 pm Subject::Paris Hilton nude sculpture be centerpiece
From:
"Jessica Alba vows never to appear nude on films " <sdfwefwf478wfwe@...> Date:
Fri Oct 26, 2007 3:30 pm Subject::Jennifer Aniston nude in new movie
From:
"Jessica Alba vows never to appear nude on films " <sdfwefwf478wfwe@...> Date:
Fri Oct 26, 2007 12:25 pm Subject::Jennifer Aniston nude in new movie
From:
"Jessica Alba vows never to appear nude on films " <sdfwefwf478wfwe@...> Date:
Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:12 pm Subject::Jessica Alba appear nude on films
If you think technology has changed the work world, just take a look at what's
happening in never-never land. A recent update reports that today:
Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity
chips.
Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems
stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.
Jack's making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough.
Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell
phones.
King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite
videoconferencing.
The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on
Napster.
Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.
Narelle Bell
Sick of deleting your inbox? Yahoo!7 Mail has free unlimited storage.
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Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your Count that
votes.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Narelle Bell
Sick of deleting your inbox? Yahoo!7 Mail has free unlimited storage.
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thanks dennie, ive already added your blog to my bloglines account.!
there is another satirical library blog out there ive spotted...at
least i HOPE its satirical..a curmudgeonly take on all things biblio
http://www.annoyedlibrarian.blogspot.com
which reminds me, there was a short piece on the radio last night
about how internet cafes are noticing a higher than normal (?)
presence of the homeless at their venues...that and fiftysomething
people who are presumed to be unemployed. I did wonder what kind of
homeless or unemployed can afford 2 to 3 dollars an hour
(australian)to surf the net.....but there you go.
cheers
fran m
Hi,
as featured on the current edition of "Warrior Librarian"
(www.warriorlibrarian.com), I have recently started a library satire
blog called "obnoxious librarian from hades" at http://olfh.blogspot.com
50% based on my own experiences, 45% imagination and 10% caffeine -
hope you'll find a worth a visit and that it gives you a smile!
If you have ideas for plots, let me know.
best regards,
Dennie
Dearest,
My name is Mrs. Rosemary King I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what
I have to charity and individual through you. You may be wondering why I chose
you.
But someone has to be chosen. I am 59 years old and was diagnosed for cancer
about 2 years ago, immediately after the death of my husband who had left me
everything he worked for.
I have been touched by the Lord to donate part of what I have inherited from my
late husband to charity through you for the good work of humanity, rather than
allow my relatives to use my husband's hard earned funds inappropriately.
I have asked the Lord to forgive me all my sins and I believe he has, because He
is merciful. I will be going in for an operation, and I pray that I survive the
operation.
I have decided to Willing/Donate the sum of $15 Million (Fifteen Million
Dollars) to charity and individual through you for the good work of the lord,
and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the
widows.
Presently, I have informed my lawyer about my decision in WILLING this fund to
charity through you. I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you
abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to
others.
If you are interested to be bless, also willing to bless other's too, I will
inform my Family Lawyer so that he can arrange the release of the funds to you.
I know I have never met you but my mind tells me to do this and I hope you are
sincerely. I will pay you 35% of this money if you will assist me because I am
now too weak and fragile to do things myself because of my cancer.
NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task
is accomplished, as I don't want anything that will Jeopardize my last wish, due
to the fact that I do not want relatives or family members standing in the way
of my last wish.
Love,
Wendy Rosemary King.
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know
the batteries are getting weak?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when
they already know you're broke?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, yet double-check when you say the paint
is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word lisp?
7. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?
8. Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
9. Why won't a plastic bag ever open from the first end you
try?
10. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Narelle Bell
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
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* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just
kiln time.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong
way.
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
mother.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
* Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.
* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Narelle Bell
________________________________________________________________________________\
____ Yahoo!7 Mail has just got even bigger and better with unlimited storage on
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LOL
Narelle Bell
----- Original Message ----
From: fran m <fmonaghan2002@...>
To: lightheartedlibrarians@...
Sent: Tuesday, 17 April, 2007 7:51:28 AM
Subject: [lightheartedlibrarians] lets hear it for grandmothers
got this from my student forum, i think its rather
good
GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND
Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question
if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand.
He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know
him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both councillors to approach the bench
and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her
if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair."
************ ********* *******
fran m
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
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got this from my student forum, i think its rather
good
GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND
Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question
if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand.
He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know
him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both councillors to approach the bench
and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her
if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair."
****************************
fran m
__________________________________________________
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oh very good nar! reminds me a bit of steven wright
that guru of the non sequitor
****************************
fran m
__________________________________________________
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Not really genius I don't think, but it is time for a bit of a giggle.
Narelle Bell
The Genius of Peter Kay :
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80 's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the Flush.
14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
23) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
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what do you say to a man that doesnt believe in free
love?
that'll be 50 quid please
q. Do you ever talk to your husband when you're making
love?
a only if he telephones
how are men like dogs around housework?
because they run and hide every time they see a vacuum
cleaner
what do you call your husband when he turns up with
flowers?
a. guilty
Why is it no use to tell a man to get lost?
a. because most of them already are
ps no correspondence will be entered into on this topic:)
****************************
fran m
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
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ha ha
Narelle Bell
----- Original Message ----
From: fran m <fmonaghan2002@...>
To: lightheartedlibrarians@...
Sent: Tuesday, 27 March, 2007 3:05:01 PM
Subject: [lightheartedlibrarians] happy st patricks day (belated) ...UP the
irish:)
Irishman : how am i going to measure the height of
this ladder?
Helpful bystander: lay it on its side and pace it out
Irishman: I want to measure its height, not its length
hehe
************ ********* *******
fran m
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
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ha ha ha ha stop.
Narelle Bell
----- Original Message ----
From: fran m <fmonaghan2002@...>
To: lightheartedlibrarians@...
Sent: Tuesday, 27 March, 2007 3:07:19 PM
Subject: [lightheartedlibrarians] timely warning (more irish wind ups:)
how is an irish ladder different from an ordinary
one?
it has a stop sign at the top
double hehe
************ ********* *******
fran m
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate
in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A.
http://answers. yahoo.com/ dir/?link= list&sid= 396545367
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
how is an irish ladder different from an ordinary
one?
it has a stop sign at the top
double hehe
****************************
fran m
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate
in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A.
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