BANANA ONLINE LOTTERY PROMOTION
P O Box 578E
London, L80 3ML
UNITED KINGDOM
(Customer Services)
http://www.bananalotto.co.uk/inscription.php
Hello Internet User,
Your email address have been randomly selected to receive a £250,000.00 CHEQUE
to be redeemed in the next 2weeks.I am thrilled to bring you this official
notice which confirms The Write-a-CHEQUE Committee's certification of THIS EMAIL
OWNER as a guaranteed eligible candidate. This is not in error.This Email
address is the legitimate winner of this cheque.Even now, you probably thought
this could never happen, that you could become A WRITE-A-CHEQUE WINNER. But it's
absolutely true: ALL Prizes won in the WRITE-A-CHEQUE RANDOM SWEEPSTAKES S3 are
100% GUARANTEED to be redeemable by the confirmed winners.Congratulations and be
sure to redeem this CHEQUE before the 2weeks is up, otherwise the next eligible
candidate will be contacted.You have won today, reply to this email immediately
on how to claim your prize sum of £250,000 GBP sterling below.
CONTACT INFORMATION
John Dawson
dawsonclaimsunit01@...
Tel :+44-703-593-7642
==================================================================
PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM
1.FULL NAMES:
2.ADDRESS:
3.SEX:
4.AGE:
5.MARITAL STATUS:
6.OCCUPATION:
7.E-MAIL ADDRESS:
8.TELEPHONE NUMBER:
9.AMOUNT WON:
10. COUNTRY:
================================================================================\
====================
Regards,
John Dawson & The Write-A-CHEQUE Committee
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Find the home of your dreams with eircom net property
Sign up for email alerts now http://www.eircom.net/propertyalerts
SAINT NICOLAS MATERNITY HOME
233 KIRIKIRI BARCELOS ROAD
NEITHERLAND AMSTERDAM.
TEL:337554345433
DEAR BELOVED ONE, GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST
AM MRS LINDSDAY WHILE,A WIDOW TO LATE MIKEL WHILE AM 55 YEARS OLD, I AM NOW
A NEW CHRISTAIN
CONVERT SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST,FROM ALL INDICATION MY
CONDITIONS IS REALLY
DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WONT LIVE MORE THAN 2MONTHS,
ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS,THIS IS
BECAUSE THE CANER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE.
MY LATE HUSBAND WAS KILLED DURING THE U.S. RAID AGAINST TERRORISM IN
AFGHANISTAN,AND DURING THE PERIOD OF
OUR MARRIAGE WE COULDN'T PRODUCE ANY CHILD.
MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS
BUSINESS AND WEALTH.
THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN 2 MONTHS, SO I
NOW DECIDED TO DIVIDE THE PART OF
THIS WEALTH,TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN
AFRICA,AMERICA ASIA,AND EUROPE I SELECTED YOU
AFTER VISITING THE AFTER GOING THROUGH SERIES OF EMAILS AND I PRAYED OVER
IT.
I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF $3.500,000.00(THREE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED
THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS)TO
THE LESS PRIVILEGED.
PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT FUND IS LYING IN A BANK AND UPON MY
INSTRUCTION,MY
ATTORNEY,WHO PRESENTLY IS IN UK WILL FILE IN AN APPLICATION FOR YOU FOR THE
TRANSFER OF THE MONEY
IN YOUR NAME.
LASTLY,I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERED WILL BE SURE FOR THE
SAID PURPOSE,BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO
FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY.
MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND
THE FELLOWSHIP OF
THE HOLYSPIRIT BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
I AWAIT URGENT REPLY THROUGH THIS EMAIL OR MY PRIVATE EMAIL
lindsdaywhile@...
YOURS IN CHRIST
MRS. SUSAN WHILE.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[You are receiving this because you have subscribed to this free newsletter as
lightheartedlibrarians@.... If you would like to unsubscribe,
just go to BatesInfo.com/subscribe.html or email me.]
* * * Clustering On Demand * * *
I was recently doing some research for a client on the topic of social capital
(see, for example, Robert Putnam's book, Bowling Alone). It's a difficult topic
to search and, of course, I retrieved kajillions of results from several search
engines. I went through as many of them as I had the patience for, and I tried a
number of refinements to further focus my search. But I found it difficult to
find what I wanted in the major search engines.
Then I remembered hearing about Carrot2 (http://demo.carrot2.org), an open
source search-results-clustering engine, just recently out in beta. In a
nutshell, it takes search results, analyzes them and, on the fly, creates groups
of the most common concepts or terms from those results. Since this is all done
by algorithms rather than by humans, expect the odd result every once in a
while, but I found the clusters to be consistently useful.
Carrot2's default is to search the web using eTools.ch, a Swiss meta-search
engine that queries 10 search engines, including Google, Yahoo, Ask and MSN.
However, since eTools only returns the top 20 results from each search engine, I
prefer not to use eTool search results. Instead, you can click a tab to limit
your search to Google, Yahoo, MSN, Wikipedia, PubMed and a few other finding
tools. Because clustering is a computationally intensive process, Carrot2 limits
the search results by default to the top 100 results from any of the search
engines. However, you can click the Show Options link and set Carrot2 to search
and sort up to 400 results. (Note that increasing the number of search results
also increases the number of results from each search engine when using the
eTools meta-search engine from 20 to 40.)
Geek that I am, I find it even more intriguing that, under that "Show Options"
link is a pull-down menu that lets you select which of six different sorting
algorithms you want to use. The clustering results are dramatically different
(although keep in mind that the search results themselves stay the same -- only
the clusters change). With my "social capital" search, I was able to see a
variety of groupings of my search results, and identify some of the key writers
and terms.
Carrot2 may not be your day-to-day search tool, but it is tremendously useful
for those searches in which it is difficult to sift the wheat from the chaff.
****************************
"Can I publish or reproduce this InfoTip?" Be my guest. Just make sure you
credit the source, Bates Information Services, and include the URL,
www.BatesInfo.com/tip.html.
In addition to InfoTips, I've got a personal blog, Librarian of Fortune
(www.LibrarianOfFortune.com)
A version of this InfoTip with live links is available at
www.batesinfo.com/tip.html An RSS feed for my InfoTip is at
www.batesinfo.com/tip.rss
If you want to see where I will be speaking next, check out
www.BatesInfo.com/new.html
Do you need value-added research or training services?
Contact me at:
Mary Ellen Bates
Bates Information Services Inc.
+1 303.772.7095
mailto:mbates@...
www.BatesInfo.com
Lets start the year with a smile
Here are some linguisitc thoughts for you Fran - you've probably already come
across most of them, but .....
English Is A Crazy Language
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted but, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that....
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Humans?
If critically injured means badly injured, does critically acclaimed mean badly
acclaimed?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 20 kgs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Senior Moments 80 year old woman says to her hubby "Oh Gawd I'm convinced I'm
losing my mind" He replies "Im not surprised you've been giving me a piece of it
every day for over 20 years.
Laugh a little every day, it's better than chicken soup. At least that's what
the chickens say
Narelle Bell
Make the switch to the world's best email. Get the new Yahoo!7 Mail now.
www.yahoo7.com.au/worldsbestemail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[You are receiving this because you have subscribed to this free newsletter as
lightheartedlibrarians@.... If you would like to unsubscribe,
just go to http://www.BatesInfo.com/subscribe.html or email me.]
* * * All The OTHER Search Engines * * *
Yes, we all Google, although I have recently started Yahooing more than I
Google. But there are far more search engines out there than Google, Yahoo,
Live.com and Ask.com. It is almost impossible to keep track of all these other
search tools; fortunately, other people have taken that job on. Note that the
sources I have described below are not meta-search engines such as Dogpile.com;
that is, they do not execute a search across a number of search engines. Rather,
these are tools to identify the search engine that may best meet your research
needs.
One site I was introduced to by Amelia Kassel (www.marketingbase.com) is
AltSearchEngines.com. It is not a directory of search engines as much as a
collection of "Top 100 Search Engines", arranged in a glorified blog format. The
easiest way to find a search engine that might work for your topic is to click
on the most current monthly list of the top 100 search engines (See
http://snurl.com/1vo9k for the list for November). Although AltSearchEngines.com
has a "search" page, ostensibly to search its site, it does work well. A better
way to mine AltSearchEngines is to use Google's site: search. For example, to
find specialized search engines that focus on science, go to Google, and search
for
science site:altsearchengines.com
If you want to limit your search to reviews in 2007, you can search
science site:altsearchengines.com/2007
You can also go directly to http://altsearchengines.com/archives/, where you can
browse by topic - Top 100, Alts, Verticals, and so on.
Another approach to providing easy access to alternative search engines and
specialized databases of content is GoshMe, a service now available in beta
(requires registration, but you can see one version at
http://beta3.goshme.com/). GoshMe combines the broad coverage of something like
AltSearchEngines and the ability to see the results of your query in a number of
databases and search engines.
Here's how GoshMe works. You type your query into the GoshMe search box -
"global warming", for example. In the GoshMe search results page, you'll see
three links to what are calculate to be the most relevant web pages, then there
is a category labeled 'Go deeper... Best Databases on "global warming"'. Next
are the first 10 databases or specialized search engines that have content on
global warming. Click the "preview" link next to any of those search results,
and a preview box will open, letting you to see the search results page from the
query "global warming" in that search tool. Among the first few search engines
returned from this query were the US Global Change Research Program,
LiveScience.com archive, and an archive of The Guardian newspaper.
Neither of these tools is perfect, but both offer a way for you to try other
ways to dig deeper into the web.
****************************
"Can I publish or reproduce this InfoTip?" Be my guest. Just make sure you
credit the source, Bates Information Services, and include the URL,
www.BatesInfo.com/tip.html.
In addition to InfoTips, I've got a personal blog, Librarian of Fortune
(www.LibrarianOfFortune.com)
A version of this InfoTip with live links is available at
www.batesinfo.com/tip.html An RSS feed for my InfoTip is at
www.batesinfo.com/tip.rss
If you want to see where I will be speaking next, check out
www.BatesInfo.com/new.html
Do you need value-added research or training services?
Contact me at:
Mary Ellen Bates
Bates Information Services Inc.
+1 303.772.7095
mailto:mbates@...
www.BatesInfo.com
Contact me at:
Mary Ellen Bates
Bates Information Services Inc.
+1 303.772.7095
mailto:mbates@...
www.BatesInfo.com
hey thats funny :)
--- "Ah, that would be telling!"
<pershing123@...> wrote:
> Paris walked into a library because she wanted to
> experience something
> new. She walks up to the counter and says "Can I
> have a burger and
> fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a
> library." So Paris
> whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
>
>
****************************
fran m
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
Paris walked into a library because she wanted to experience something
new. She walks up to the counter and says "Can I have a burger and
fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So Paris
whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
From:
"Paris Hilton nude sculpture be centerpiece to \"rescue women\"" <sdfwefwf258478wfwe@...> Date:
Sat Oct 27, 2007 4:42 pm Subject::Paris Hilton nude sculpture be centerpiece
From:
"Paris Hilton nude sculpture be centerpiece to \"rescue women\"" <sdfwefwf258478wfwe@...> Date:
Sat Oct 27, 2007 3:28 pm Subject::Paris Hilton nude sculpture be centerpiece
From:
"Jessica Alba vows never to appear nude on films " <sdfwefwf478wfwe@...> Date:
Fri Oct 26, 2007 3:30 pm Subject::Jennifer Aniston nude in new movie
From:
"Jessica Alba vows never to appear nude on films " <sdfwefwf478wfwe@...> Date:
Fri Oct 26, 2007 12:25 pm Subject::Jennifer Aniston nude in new movie
From:
"Jessica Alba vows never to appear nude on films " <sdfwefwf478wfwe@...> Date:
Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:12 pm Subject::Jessica Alba appear nude on films
If you think technology has changed the work world, just take a look at what's
happening in never-never land. A recent update reports that today:
Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity
chips.
Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems
stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.
Jack's making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough.
Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell
phones.
King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite
videoconferencing.
The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on
Napster.
Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.
Narelle Bell
Sick of deleting your inbox? Yahoo!7 Mail has free unlimited storage.
http://au.docs.yahoo.com/mail/unlimitedstorage.html
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your Count that
votes.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Narelle Bell
Sick of deleting your inbox? Yahoo!7 Mail has free unlimited storage.
http://au.docs.yahoo.com/mail/unlimitedstorage.html
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
thanks dennie, ive already added your blog to my bloglines account.!
there is another satirical library blog out there ive spotted...at
least i HOPE its satirical..a curmudgeonly take on all things biblio
http://www.annoyedlibrarian.blogspot.com
which reminds me, there was a short piece on the radio last night
about how internet cafes are noticing a higher than normal (?)
presence of the homeless at their venues...that and fiftysomething
people who are presumed to be unemployed. I did wonder what kind of
homeless or unemployed can afford 2 to 3 dollars an hour
(australian)to surf the net.....but there you go.
cheers
fran m
Hi,
as featured on the current edition of "Warrior Librarian"
(www.warriorlibrarian.com), I have recently started a library satire
blog called "obnoxious librarian from hades" at http://olfh.blogspot.com
50% based on my own experiences, 45% imagination and 10% caffeine -
hope you'll find a worth a visit and that it gives you a smile!
If you have ideas for plots, let me know.
best regards,
Dennie
Dearest,
My name is Mrs. Rosemary King I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what
I have to charity and individual through you. You may be wondering why I chose
you.
But someone has to be chosen. I am 59 years old and was diagnosed for cancer
about 2 years ago, immediately after the death of my husband who had left me
everything he worked for.
I have been touched by the Lord to donate part of what I have inherited from my
late husband to charity through you for the good work of humanity, rather than
allow my relatives to use my husband's hard earned funds inappropriately.
I have asked the Lord to forgive me all my sins and I believe he has, because He
is merciful. I will be going in for an operation, and I pray that I survive the
operation.
I have decided to Willing/Donate the sum of $15 Million (Fifteen Million
Dollars) to charity and individual through you for the good work of the lord,
and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the
widows.
Presently, I have informed my lawyer about my decision in WILLING this fund to
charity through you. I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you
abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to
others.
If you are interested to be bless, also willing to bless other's too, I will
inform my Family Lawyer so that he can arrange the release of the funds to you.
I know I have never met you but my mind tells me to do this and I hope you are
sincerely. I will pay you 35% of this money if you will assist me because I am
now too weak and fragile to do things myself because of my cancer.
NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task
is accomplished, as I don't want anything that will Jeopardize my last wish, due
to the fact that I do not want relatives or family members standing in the way
of my last wish.
Love,
Wendy Rosemary King.
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know
the batteries are getting weak?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when
they already know you're broke?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, yet double-check when you say the paint
is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word lisp?
7. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?
8. Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
9. Why won't a plastic bag ever open from the first end you
try?
10. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Narelle Bell
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
Yahoo!7 Mail has just got even bigger and better with unlimited storage on all
webmail accounts.
http://au.docs.yahoo.com/mail/unlimitedstorage.html
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just
kiln time.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong
way.
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
mother.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
* Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.
* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Narelle Bell
________________________________________________________________________________\
____ Yahoo!7 Mail has just got even bigger and better with unlimited storage on
all webmail accounts.
http://au.docs.yahoo.com/mail/unlimitedstorage.html
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
LOL
Narelle Bell
----- Original Message ----
From: fran m <fmonaghan2002@...>
To: lightheartedlibrarians@...
Sent: Tuesday, 17 April, 2007 7:51:28 AM
Subject: [lightheartedlibrarians] lets hear it for grandmothers
got this from my student forum, i think its rather
good
GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND
Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question
if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand.
He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know
him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both councillors to approach the bench
and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her
if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair."
************ ********* *******
fran m
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail. yahoo.com
Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
got this from my student forum, i think its rather
good
GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND
Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question
if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand.
He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know
him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both councillors to approach the bench
and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her
if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair."
****************************
fran m
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
oh very good nar! reminds me a bit of steven wright
that guru of the non sequitor
****************************
fran m
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
Not really genius I don't think, but it is time for a bit of a giggle.
Narelle Bell
The Genius of Peter Kay :
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80 's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the Flush.
14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
23) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Send Email
Offline 
